Monday, September 19, 2011

An Open Letter To Verizon Wireless

Dear Verizon Wireless,

I am writing to request that you expand the selection of ringtones available for your cellular phones.

Don't get me wrong - I appreciate the breadth and depth of of your current array of choices. Without question, you offer more options than any other wireless carrier to the discerning consumer seeking ringtones by the recording artist Lupe Fiasco.

Allow me to compliment you as well on your astounding inventory of barnyard sounds. Who knew donkeys were so moody...and so vocal about it?

That being said, I must admit that I'm having some difficulty finding a ringtone that expresses my lifestyle while seamlessly integrating into my daily routine.

You see, I rarely "flood the game like a giant in a dwarf's shorts" (as Mr. Fiasco would say), and it's also been a while since I spent the day lazily roaming my back yard, munching grass and braying.

That's simply not, as they say, how I roll.

Therefore, in an effort to help expand your collection of available ringtones, I've made a list of sounds that I believe would be worthy additions and which would meet the needs of others like me who seek their own particular clarion by which to, you know, represent.

Proposed Additions to the Verizon Wireless
Selection of Ringtones

Gas-Powered Leaf Blower

Out-of-Balance Washing Machine

Tween Son's/Daughter's Bedroom Door Slamming

Haunted/Gurgling Powder Room Toilet

Shouts of Inappropriate Parent Coaching from Sidelines

Crinkling of Paper on a Doctor's Exam Table

Deep, Shuddering Sigh of Husband Preparing Tax Returns

Sizzle of Free "Sausage" Samples in Aisle 3

Woman Repeating the Phrase,
"Young man, this room is a sty!"

Chop-Chop of Police Helicopter Overhead

Screech of Unoiled Garage-Door Rollers

Series of Voices Inquiring,
"So, have you written anything I've heard of?"

I hope you find this list of suggestions useful in your efforts to capture the demographic of customers who are living large in their own, you know, medium-sized way.

Toodle Loo,

Anna Lefler

Attention, L.A.-Area Readers

I will be giving away two pairs of tickets to "Parenting Out Loud," a comedic stage show about the hi-jinks and general stickiness of being a parent (which also happens to be a fundraiser for a local school). The show is Sunday, October 2 @ 7:30 pm and you can find all the details here.

The giveaway will happen on my Facebook page on Tuesday, September 20 and you can enter until 7:00 pm Pacific Time.

The show features a fantastic lineup of funny folks including comedian and author Stefanie Wilder-Taylor. It's gonna be a great night!


Alexandra said...


"Living large in our medium sized way."

And I vote for the crinkling of the gynecologist's office paper. just said doctor's office, I"m the one that took it to the gyno's.

Yeah, well..shows you what I gotta do this week.


Pearl said...

Fabulous. :-) Can I also add, as possible ring-tone material, the sound of a bum next to a running bus yelling "Transfer! I'm selling a transfer!"


Cheryl said...

I'm moving to LA just so I have a chance to win the tickets.

I also vote for the crinkling sound of the gyno exam table paper. That sentence looks terribly wrong to me. Then again, I'm not a writer so I'm cool with that.

Lo said...

I'll vote for any of your won my heart by reminding me of "toodle loo".......why ever did that fall out of fashion?

Heather said...

Might I add a couple that would definitely make it onto a telephone near me?

- That *hork, hork, horrrrrrrrrrk* sound a cat makes immediately preceding the gacking up of a hairball

- "Mom? Mom? MOM? MOOOOM? MOOOO-OOOOOOM? Mommommommommommomoooooooom?" I mean, that one is a classic, no?

- My dad saying "Pull my finger" (Actually, I'd be willing to bet some cheetos that there already is a Pull My Finger ringtone someplace, though not done in my father's dulcet tones)

- The "CHUNG CHUNG" sound from Law & Order

"As We Speak" said...

Great ideas...each one better than the one are a ringtone


Jeanne Estridge said...

All excellent.

May suggest the addition of a refrigerator door slamming and someone saying, "Why is there never anything to eat in this house?"

Ann Imig said...

I didn't just laugh--I cackled. I did.

Intangible Hearts said...

Hilarious, but don't mention the word Verizon in my vicinity or you'll have to have a ring tone that sounds like a Dirty Harry special-what were those-44 Magnums? said...

If I had to listen to someone's phone blast "gas powered leaf blower," I think I'd be called to commit a severe act of violence. There are enough of those in my neighborhood, and my walls feel my rage. (So maybe we should tell Verizon to nix that from the list.)

HermanTurnip said...

The chorus to King Missile's "Detachable Penis" is my ring tone when I get a call from my boss. It's only embarrassing when he calls me when I'm in the middle of a meeting...

Marinka said...

Love these.

Verizon is so lucky to have your input.

Jennifer said...

Oh, I hear ya. I'm with US Cellular and their best (least annoying) ringtone is "snowflake." It sounds like a little kid playing the triangle every time my phone rings. So embarrassing, but I'm too lazy to change it.

Paula said...

Adding a flushing toilet ringtone would make my life complete.

K A B L O O E Y said...

Mmmm... sausage. Hey, how about Homer Simpson saying "Mmmm.. sausage?" Or my GPS lady calmly announcing "rerouting... rerouting...." Or my mother saying "I haven't heard from you lately." How about "If you'd like to make a call, simply hang up and dial again."

Unknown said...

Oh how funny. I can so relate to the off-balance washing machine. And the husband sighing over taxes. And the crinkle of wax paper at the doctor's office. And ...

K A B L O O E Y said...

PS: thanks for coming over. As I always say, it's nice to start the day seeing your mustache. Oh wait. Those were dreams. Never mind.

Anonymous said...

Anna--Too funny! BTW, I wanted you to know that I nominated you for a Versatile Blogger Award because your blogs are hilarious. You can find the rules on my latest post should you choose to accept this very prestigious award :)

Anonymous said...

hahah brilliant!

Jen and Tonic said...

I just found you through MainStreetMusings (she nominated both of us for an award!) and after reading this post, I can see why she gave you the VB honor. So. Funny! I'm subscribing right now :)

When Pigs Fly said...

My addition would be the frantic dog barking when they my own Hounds of the Baskervilles start going nuts for no apparent reason. This is enough to get anyone's attention.

Erin said...

Ha, this is perfect. I keep my phone on silent because there is just no tempo that suits me, like a high-pitched "I want a snaaaaaack."