50 Shades of CHICKtionary

And Now We Know

Why Granny Was Always Smiling

I just read that the explosive sales of the steamy 50 SHADES OF GREY have lead to an estimated 300% increase in the sales of sex toys, including the infamous Ben Wa balls of page 362. 

As a public service, I shall now read from the book of CHICKtionary, so that all may go forth in erotic edification and participate with confidence in the girl-talk at your PTA meetings, church bake sales and country club locker rooms.

[Hint:  Try saying something like, "Oh, you're still putting them there?  *eye roll*  That's so 1992."]

Ben Wa Balls, noun

In use among a variety of cultures for centuries, Ben Wa balls and the like are instruments of female sexual arousal as well as tools used to help increase the strength of the vaginal muscles.  The balls can be made of a variety of materials and hollow models can contain smaller spheres or even chimes.  (Was that the doorbell?)  The balls are inserted into the vagina, where they remain until removed using an optional retrieval cord or are coughed or sneezed out.  For erotic stimulation, a gentle rocking motion is recommended, although Mr. Wa has reportedly received complaints that the balls’ effect is too subtle to be felt.  For conditioning of the vaginal muscles, the balls are held inside the vagina with a clenching motion, taking the definition of “private training” to its extreme.

So, anyway...[ahem]...have a stimulating weekend and ROCK ON.

I'm Mommy and I Know It

A Musical Mother's Day Tribute, Yo

For those of you who have been on a self-imposed media blackout for the last six months or so:

1.  Thanks for making this your first stop on your pop-culture re-entry tour.

2.  You might be the only person in the world who doesn't know this song:

[If you can't see the video, please click here.]

In keeping with the spirit of Mother's Day, I'd like to offer my own version of this LMFAO toe-tapper.

This goes out with love to all the mommies!

I'm Mommy and I Know It

Yeah, yeah

When I walk to school, kids look at me like, darn, she’s cool

I bounce to the beat, workin’ that crosswalk in my Shape-Ups feet

They see me stroll, my tricked-out Bugaboo is how I roll

My kiddie humor is oh-so-droll

And just like Oprah, I’m in control

Child, look at these highlights

Child, look at these invites

Child, look at these nite-nites

Ah-ah, I wake up!

Child, look at that swingset

Child, look at that new pet,

Child, look at that what you get

Ah-ah, I wake up!

When I walk on the school yard, this is what I see

Everybody stops and they’re staring at me

I got tissues in my purse and I ain’t afraid to

blow it, blow it, blow it, blow it

I’m Mommy and I know it.

Yeah

When I’m at the mall, I nurse like a pro when I hear the call

When I’m at the beach, I put sunscreen on my baby’s cheeks

This is how it is, and on the side I got a jewelry-makin’ biz

We gotta fix the van but don’t be nervous

’Cuz no one fears me like customer service

Child, look at these highlights

Child, look at these invites

Child, look at these nite-nites

Ah-ah, I wake up!

Child, look at that swingset

Child, look at that new pet,

Child, look at that what you get

Ah-ah, I wake up!

When I walk into dance class, this is what I see

Everybody stops and they’re staring at me

I got tissues in my purse and I ain’t afraid to

blow it, blow it, blow it, blow it

I’m Mommy and I know it.

Check it out:

Juggle, juggle, juggle, juggle, juggle, yeah

Juggle, juggle, juggle, juggle, juggle, yeah

Juggle, juggle, juggle, juggle, juggle, yeah

Do the juggle mom

I do the juggle mom

I’m Mommy and I know it.

Child, look at these highlights

Child, look at these invites

Child, look at these nite-nites

Ah-ah, I wake up!

Child, look at that swingset

Child, look at that new pet,

Child, look at that what you get

Ah-ah, I wake up!

I’m Mommy and I know it!