The Measure of a Man

A Real-Life Limerick

A mommy who tidies a lot,

Found a ruler perched next to the pot.

Did she seek out which treasure

They'd seen fit to measure?

Hell, no, my good sir - she did NOT!

Holiday Greetings That Help

Gearing up to order your holiday cards? If you order them from Paper Culture, they will donate 20% of the sales to Somaly Mam Foundation, an organization dedicated to combating the global sex slave trade. Simply enter the code CA10 at checkout and the donation will be on its way.

And, not only does Paper Culture plant a tree for every order they receive, they even have a free mailing service that will address and send your cards for you - you pay only the postage! Man, I love it when I get to help, celebrate and be lazy - all at the same time!

The Uptight Spiritualist - Volume 1

An Occasional Column

For several years now, I, Anna Lefler—conventional briefcase-toter, reflexive shirt-tucker and habitual thank-you-note-writer—have been on a metaphysical quest: to find a spiritual practice that solves life's big mysteries, provides comfort in trying times and illuminates the path toward becoming an all-around better person.

Is that too much to ask?

In this new, occasional column, I share with you what I've learned so far.

The Uptight Spiritualist - Volume 1

How to Meditate

First, find a quiet location where you can sit comfortably for 20 minutes without interruption. Before settling in, remove your shoes and turn off your cell phone and any other device that might distract your untrained, novice mind.

Now, sit with your hands loose in your lap. Taking a deep breath, close your eyes. Allow your shoulders to relax and fall away from your earlobes. Visualize your mind as an elevator gliding down your spine, dropping lower and lower into yourself.

During this descent, realize that you have forgotten your mantra. Yes, the personal, customized mantra that was bestowed on you and you alone by the nice lady from the Transcendental Meditation Center with the Harpo Marx hairdo.

You've already called her once because you forgot it, and if you call again, she'll know you haven't meditated since last week, when you're supposed to be doing it morning and night. Nope, you can't call her again.

Keeping your eyes closed, scrunch up your face and concentrate. Think back to the moment the TM lady gave you your special word. It reminded you of something, didn't it? Yes, that's right. When you first heard it, you thought of a name. But whose name? Wait, it was someone famous – a sports figure. You've almost got it. NBA? Yes!

Kareem.

Wait, is that it? "Kareem?" Grimace harder and dig deep. Nope, Kareem is all you've got. You're going with it.

Back in the elevator, continue your descent. Your destination is the base of the spine, also known as your dirt chakra. No, make that root – your root chakra. Chastise yourself for this mistake and continue your deep breathing.

By now you have arrived at a spiritual destination deep within yourself, as indicated by two factors: you feel spiritual and/or deep and, no matter how many times you push the button, your elevator will go no lower.

Fantastic.

Now, then. Empty your mind.

That's right – drain it like a sink of dirty dishwater. Right now.

As you perform this super-easy task, enjoy the spastic thought-flurries that leap from your mind like flying fish ahead of a tourist cruise to Catalina.

Kareem.

Is that my car alarm?

Kareem.

That salesgirl was totally lying; these yoga pants do give me Kardashian butt.

Kareem.

How come the NBA guys stopped wearing those tiny shorts, anyway?

Kareem.

I bet I could lift a motorcycle if I tried.

Kareem.

Fight the urge to peek at the clock to see how many of the 20 minutes are remaining. Remind yourself that the five minutes you spent trying to remember your mantra don't count. Nor do the two minutes you spent trying to crack your neck.

All right, empty your mind again and this time put your back into it.

Deep breath.

Kareem.

Your mind is an aquarium. Thoughts swim by like tiny fishes but do not disturb you. They merely move past you on their way to investigate the plastic treasure chest in the bottom of the tank. See how the lid opens and closes. Is there a battery in there or what? Because I don't see a cord.

Kareem.

Consider the possibility that meditation would be easy if you 1) were vegan 2) listened to more Cat Stevens 3) hadn't mocked the TM lady's velvet fanny pack to your work friends.

Kareem.

Spend the next five minutes trying to think of something you're actually good at. [Optional: fall asleep.]

Kareeeeem.

It is now time to begin your ascent and return to your everyday level of consciousness as indicated by the elevator button marked "PH" or "penthouse." When you discover that your elevator does not list a penthouse, become anxious and attempt to exit at the plaza level.

Open your eyes, staying attuned to any shifts in feeling or perception as a result of your recent meditative state. Recognize that you feel relaxed. Also, you could go for a snack.

Four minutes later, as you're standing in your pantry eating a handful of tortilla chips, recall your correct mantra.


Huge Thanks To...

...trail-blazing Creative Alliance '10 organizers Lee Vandeman, Jessica Bern and Andrea Fellman for a truly unforgettable, inspirational weekend.

...Ann Imig, whose Listen to Your Mother Salon took our collective breath away (while benefiting OPCC's Sojourn Program for battered women).

...creative Jedi Lisa Page Rosenberg, who made presenting our session a delightful experience.

...all of the warm, generous women who attended (what a privilege to be in your company!).

...the fantastic event sponsors: Moji, Paper Culture, Ciao Bella Gellato and CalNaturale.

It was an honor to be a part of this inaugural happening. I'm ready for next year!

A Scratch 'n Sniff Guide to Wine

Well, LAH-TEE-DAH

I finally went wine-tasting.

(As a rule, I don't like tasting things that aren't presented on a grease-slicked hot plate between aisles 4 and 5 by a woman wearing a button that reads, "You'll never go back to 'real' sausage!" But what can I say? I caved to social pressure.)

Anyway, it was not my usual hang-out. That is to say I felt a little out of my element. Like John Wayne at a lingerie shower.

For those of you who haven't gone tasting yet, here are a few "heads-up" items to keep in mind when planning your visit.

First of all, there is little to no RV parking, so get there early and bring your pylons to mark your turf!

Also, I sensed a definite lack of athletic spirit of any kind, so I'd recommend leaving your team jersey at home. Instead, ladies will want to pack an extra-large handbag festooned with as much gold-tone bric-a-brac as one can hoist, and gents will feel at home dressed somewhere between Captain Von Trapp and Thurston Howell III.

Also frowned upon: fist-pumping, pounding the bar to underscore one's appreciation of a particular selection, and exclaiming, "Gah, that's total crap!" to express the notion that you won't be buying a case of that one.

Oh, and classical music. It's everywhere. Nothing says why-yes-I-do-need-a-$125-set-of-pewter-cheese-knives-with-handles-shaped-like-the-Eiffel-Tower like the overture from Mozart's Marriage of Figaro.

Basically, going wine tasting is like being in a Grey Poupon commercial for eight straight hours. Not bad...just different.

Say What?

Most perplexing, however, was the language.

When one of the tasters remarked with great solemnity to another that the wine was, "Cloying...while still ponderous," I got excited, figuring I was witnessing a coded exchange between two foreign operatives.

Then I noticed that everyone was talking that way.

Here they were - the same folks I had observed out in the parking lot recapping the latest episode of "Jersey Shore" at the top of their lungs while adjusting the seats of their underpants - now swanning around, pinkies up like terriers' tails and describing their wines as "brawny", "austere" and "tight."

Huh?

How was anyone supposed to participate in this game? Clearly, some kind of fax was sent around beforehand.

Fear not, however, because I've compiled a little cheat sheet of my own personal wine-tasting terms that you can whip out when you find yourself surrounded by people dressed like the cast of "Dynasty" and complaining that the bottle they just opened is "volatile" and "angular."

The LJKGW Wine-Tasting Glossary

Theatrical - tastes like three-day-old popcorn with a delightful Junior Mint afternote.

Gummy - as in bear; as in makes little multicolored sugar-sweaters on your teeth.

Marsupial - leaves your mouth feeling like the inside of a kangaroo's pouch.

Woolly - demands immediate dry-cleaning.

Punitive - refers to the taster's residual uneasiness and belief that the wine is out to get him or her.

Loose - a wine that you suspect already has been tasted by everyone in the joint.

Pastoral - tastes like sheep.

Low-Maintenance - can be removed from your carpet with a damp sponge.

Repentant - makes you regret tasting it the minute it hits your tongue.

Aquatic - brings to mind the big fish tank at your dentist's office.

Shifty - of suspect origins; won't look you in the eye.

Alpine - tastes like those tree-shaped car fresheners smell.

Potato-ish - could use some ketchup or makes you feel like you have eyes all over your head.


In Other News...

I'm thrilled to announce that Ann Imig has invited me to produce the Los Angeles presentation of Listen To Your Mother - a spoken-word show she created this year in her town of Madison, Wisconsin and is now taking national for 2011. Directing the LA show will be my friend and most excellent writer/blogger Lisa Page Rosenberg. I'm so excited to work with these ladies!

And speaking of Listen To Your Mother, the LTYM Salon will happen this weekend at CA'10 in Ojai, California - just one of the cool, casual items on the CA'10 weekend agenda. This bite-sized preview of the full-scale show will feature nine writers reading essays about different aspects of motherhood. I look forward to reading a new piece called "The Babymaker."

SERIOUSbandzz

Not So Silly After All

Of course you know what Sillybandz are.

All right, in case you don't know them by name, they are those multi-colored, shaped silicone bands piled on the wrists of our nation's youth that you've probably noticed while bolting out the door of the 7-Eleven clutching a fresh copy of News of the World and four packs of Twizzlers. (That's right - I live in your neighborhood.)

Sillybandz (that's the "official" brand but there are other makers, too) are everywhere. They are sold in theme packs, such as:

Princess Pack!

Dora the Explorer Pack!

Hello Kitty Pack!

And even...Justin Bieber Pack!

Cute, right? But, wait...

I Reminisce

The Sillybandz craze reminds me of the "hot" thing to trade at school when I was but a pup growing up in the steamy 'burbs of Houston: Wacky Stickers. Do you remember those? They were tasteless stickers that parodied the popular products of the day, such as:

Cool, huh? I know.

But, anyway...

I Get Back On Track

Here's the thing: where are the Sillybandz that match my particular interests? Sure, Hello Kitty is cute and all, but I need stretchy silicone accessories that underscore and amplify the hip urban funky chic iconoclastic old vibe that is my signature style. I mean, people have certain expectations when I roll into the pharmacy carpool dog groomer ob/gyn oh, never mind!

Where are the SillyBandz for grown-ups?!?

Some Ideas

I've been thinking about this. (It was either think about this or do the dishes, and I'm pretty sure we all know which way that decision was going to cut.)

I think there's a huge marketing opportunity to be exploited here. Now, I don't have time to pursue this particular commercial niche what with my burgeoning Cat-Bump-Its business, but if any aspiring entrepreneurs out there would like to splash around in the puddles left over from my recent brainstorming session, well, go for it!

Middle-Aged Pack!

Includes reading glasses, insoles, calcium supplement, knee brace, elastic-waist pants, Metamucil and those giant sunglasses that fit over your regular glasses.

Menopause Pack!
(They change color along with your skin's temperature!)

Includes lightning bolt, tube of progesterone cream, prescription pad, sweat towel, moisturizer, bioidentical hormone pill and dagger.

Haggard Parent Pack!

Includes car seat, frying pan, lawn mower, briefcase, cell phone, sleeping bag, bicycle, microscope, ballet shoes, scout uniform, loose tooth and piggy bank.

Mid-Life Crisis Pack!
(In hot, day-glo colors!)

Includes convertible, barbell, tanning bed, Botox needle, buxom twenty-something, shirtless pool boy, sailboat, margarita and cloud of free-floating anxiety about one's mortality.

Career Pack!

Includes unreasonable boss, miniature paycheck, office lech, four coffee cups, know-it-all intern, empty doughnut box, irate customer and midnight oil.

Order Yours Today!

And...Coming Soon: SERIOUSbandzz Combo Packs!

Marriage/Divorce Pack!
Regret/Ennui Pack!
Independent/Assisted Living Pack!

Collect 'Em All!

An Interview With The Onion's Founding Editor...

...Mr. Scott Dikkers

It seems everything Scott Dikkers touches turns to something funny...and successful.

After all, this is the fellow who helped found The Onion back in 1988, then shepherded it from a college newspaper to an internationally acclaimed humor brand and, in the process, launched the world's first humor website.

Named by Rolling Stone as one of America's top-ten favorite writers, Scott is the author or co-author of numerous best-selling humor books, including, among others, The Onion's OUR DUMB CENTURY and OUR DUMB WORLD as well as YOU ARE WORTHLESS: DEPRESSING NUGGETS OF WISDOM SURE TO RUIN YOUR DAY. (A sample "nugget": "You're no good, you're not great-looking, and you're going to die someday and it's probably going to hurt.")

He is also the creator and artist of the comic strip Jim's Journal, one of the most popular Generation X-oriented strips in history. The strip, which appeared in 200 newspapers and a best-selling published collection, created humor by poking fun at other humor, a style that Scott called "anti-humor."

Scott has written and directed several films that include "Spaceman" and "Bad Meat" (starring Chevy Chase) as well as episodes of "The Onion News Network." He also has voiced numerous cartoons, including MTV's "Celebrity Deathmatch" and Saturday Night Live's "TV Funhouse."

(For a complete catalog of Scott Dikkers' work, please click here and here.)

Dikkers Cartoon Company

These days, Scott is at the helm of a new venture, but one that reflects a lifelong love: cartooning. He recently left his position at The Onion to found Dikkers Cartoon Company in Brooklyn, New York.


The company's website launched in May of this year and it's a humdinger, with gorgeous illustrations, streaming cartoons, games, even a gift shop.


And here's something you might not expect: all of the content at Dikkers Cartoon Company is rated for general audiences. That's right, Dikkers cartoons are appropriate - and funny! - for all ages.

This is one of my favorites, which you can watch by clicking here:


There's much more to experience over at the Dikkers Cartoons website and, remember, you can take your kids with you!


The Interview

Hearing from Scott Dikkers that he enjoys your humor blog is like having Ralph Lauren walk up to you and say, "Those are some sharp pants." It's a compliment you treasure, a day you remember. It's a gift for which I am truly grateful.

I also am very grateful to Scott for graciously agreeing to share some of his thoughts on comedy, his career and the nature of success. I hope you'll enjoy reading his responses as much as I enjoyed our interview.


Growing up, Scott, were you the kid who always had the class laughing, or the kid who wrote and drew funny things but kept them to himself?

Sort of both, I guess. I alternated between being the kid who was quiet, introspective and bullied, and the kid who had everybody laughing. But I think those two extremes are closely related. In 6th grade the other boys in the class locked me in the storage shed at recess. Could that even happen now? We had no supervision at recess when I was a kid. When the other kids found out I could draw, they stopped doing that sort of thing. Why, I don't know. My drawing skill had some value, apparently. So, I continued to use what limited power I had to entertain in order to boost my social capital, because it seemed to work. And since entertaining was just about the only skill-like attribute I had, I didn't stop with drawing. I became a pretty serious class cutup. Every day at school I was like Seinfeld developing new material. My comedy friends and I would try out jokes in class and assess the audience reaction later. I used to do impressions of teachers. Once, when a teacher was late in 9th grade I got up and wore glasses like him and started teaching the class as him, and this went on for like 10 minutes. Kids laughed but also paid attention and did what I asked, so I started asking them to do outrageous things. That was really fun.

You recently left your position as editor-in-chief of The Onion to found Dikkers Cartoon Company. How did you feel when the alarm clock went off that first morning of your new venture?

Well, it was good, but it's actually a feeling I'm fairly accustomed to. The Onion is and always has been a very small, privately held company. I owned it before I sold it to the current owners. So, it's not like I left an evil corporate job and went off to start my own bootstraps thing. That being said, I love making cartoons, and I love starting new things and I love the early stages of a new thing. I feel very much at home in that world and wake up pretty ecstatic in the morning. Getting up to go work at The Onion was the same way, though, usually. So, pretty much my whole adult life I've been waking up feeling extremely fortunate that I'm making a living doing what I love and doing my own thing.

Also, you must have had, what, 18,000 business cards left over after you switched jobs? What did you do with all of them?

I've probably given out a total of 3 business cards in my entire life. So, I always have stacks and stacks of boxes of those damned things in my desk drawer at any given time. At some point, somebody's going to figure out that I never use them and stop ordering so many boxes for me.

What do you think is the general public's biggest misconception about cartoons?

People think all cartoons now are made by computers. I tell people I'm making animated cartoons and they always say, "the computer can do all the inbetween drawings, right?" Yeah, that would look really good.

Some people may be surprised to learn that your cartoons - in addition to being funny - are surprisingly tender. Can you talk a little bit about this aspect of your work?

Thank you for saying so. Before The Onion got started, I made my living as a cartoonist. My daily comic strip ("Jim's Journal") had those same qualities. It seems to be the place I gravitate to when I'm drawing. Not sure what that's about. Also, over the years, I think The Onion, though it's main mission is to be funny, has had a lot of tenderness, too, believe it or not. As crass and outlandish as some of the humor is, I feel like there's always a respectful element to it at its core, that's essentially kind and pro-humanity. Most of the time.

We've all heard the adage that comedy = tragedy + time. Does your particular style of humor have its own formula?

No, that's pretty much the formula. Except in parody, I guess. And some types of character humor. Interesting story (or, if you're not in the comedy business, a boring story): At The Onion, we experimented with lowering the value of "time" in that equation, which is how you create comedy that's perceived as edgy & risky. We did this with our book, Our Dumb Century. We made jokes about the Titanic and Hindenburg disasters, about all the people who died, and nobody found those jokes offensive because these things happened so long ago. But then as we got closer to the present, we were doing the same types of jokes about the Space Shuttle Challenger and the Oklahoma City Federal Building, which was bombed just a couple of years before our book came out. It was then that we discovered the Grand Unification formula: comedy = tragedy. Adding time to the equation is just a way to make it easier to write the jokes -- the thing that makes the jokes "appropriate."

When 9-11 happened, not only were people saying you couldn't make jokes about it, certainly not right away -- and maybe not ever! -- they were actually saying maybe humor itself was dead. The Onion, having learned this lesson about how to reduce the "time" part of the equation to zero, was able to produce a full issue devoted to 9-11 just a couple of weeks after it happened. We'd learned that the best, most fulfilling humor is the kind that can make you laugh at even the worst of times. It's a coping mechanism. We want to laugh, to release tension, and when we can, it has the power to make us feel alive and human even in the midst of tragedy and death.

Of the many aspects of your creative career - drawing and voicing cartoons, writing, editing, directing - which has been the most surprising? In what way?

The most surprising was directing live-action movies. I thought I would love it. I thought it was what I was born to do. But it turns out that I really don't like it, and I don't believe I have the skill set that you would ideally have in order to be good at it. That was a real shocker to me. Animation is much more suited to my personality. The pace is slower, there's no getting up at 5 in the morning and going out to shoot in the snow. Post production is my favorite part of making a movie, and cartoons are all post production. It's like a dream.

Can you settle a bet, please? One of my interns is insisting that you attended professional truck-driving school, while I say you can't believe everything you read on the Internet. The truth?

Trucking school is in fact the only schooling I have ever received.

With which cartoon character (of all time) do you most closely identify? Why?

Charlie Brown. Because he wasn't insufferably cheerful, which every other cartoon character seems to be.

What is the worst piece of advice you've ever received? The best?

I wish I could remember the worst advice I've ever received, because it would probably be really funny. But since it was bad, and I didn't take it, it's long forgotten. But I'll try... There was a local reporter in Wisconsin who recommended I not buy into The Onion when I did (when it was a year old). He never thought it would go anywhere. My dad suggested I pay for college by joining the Army. That was bad advice. Nothing against the Army, but I'm not the type.

The best advice I've ever received was from the cartoonist John Kovalic, who was a successful cartoonist who had just gone into syndication right before I published my first comic strip, and before The Onion was around. He tossed off this advice, and probably has no idea how much of an impact it's had on my life. But he was extolling the virtues of deadlines, how creating fixed deadlines for yourself was important for creative people to actually get things done and develop their skills. Without deadlines, you're liable to be tinkering with the same project for months before you show it to anyone. And you'll never grow. After that, so many of the entertainment avenues I forged for myself had deadlines built in, so that I was assured of actually producing work on a regular basis and getting better every day -- a daily comic strip, a weekly newspaper, etc. Great advice!

You've enjoyed tremendous success in your creative endeavors. What's your definition of success in the broader sense of life?

Kind of you to say. I still feel like I have a long way to go, but that's my own demon. What is success? I have no idea. I think about that question a lot, though. I think it's like a white whale. We're never totally satisfied with the level of success we have. Are we? I suppose the simplest way to think of it for me is you're successful if you're loved at home and engaged at work. And you own a swimming pool filled with thousand dollar bills.

As anyone who's tried it knows, being funny is serious business. What do you do for fun when you're not crafting humor?

How good of you to point out that writing comedy is not fun! Everyone who doesn't do it for a living thinks it is. But of course it's not. I go rock climbing. I used to go to water parks, but they don't have those in New York, so that's a bummer. I think they should build one at ground zero.

Are you currently engaged in any blood feuds, the details of which you'd like to get off your chest?

Yes, I am in a blood feud with Verizon. I keep threatening to disconnect my land line, and they keep giving me terrible customer service. They seem to be trying very hard to lose my business. But I'm addicted to the sweet clarity of my land line.

What's the best thing regular old consumers can do to encourage the popularity of general audience animated cartoons like the ones you're making?

Just watch and enjoy and share! Especially with the kids.

Anything you'd like to add?

No, ma'am. Thanks for the delightful interview, Anna! Keep up the great work.

Thank you, Scott.
And we wish
you and Dikkers Cartoon Company
every kind of success!

Mini-Post: Our Contest Winner!

Congratulations to...

Lisa Golden! She's the winner of our photo caption contest, as selected by Jon Bon Jovi (not my husband's real name).

Huzzah!

Here's the contest photo again, with Lisa's winning caption below it:

The green toothbrush only LOOKS innocent.

Lisa has shrewdly selected the Star Trek Enterprise Bottle Opener as her victor's spoils. Enjoy!

And thank you to everyone who entered our little contest! All of the captions were terrific and, let me tell you, you really put Jon Bon Jovi through his paces in the judging process.

Thanks again and have a bold rest of the weekend, all!

Surprise Contest!

Crap, I Ruined the Surprise!

I'm not sure exactly what went down in Gomez's bathroom last night while we all slept, but I know a hostage situation when I see one.


Perhaps you can explain what went horribly wrong, say, midnight-ish between the electric toothbrush and the Nintendo DS charger.

In fact - the person who comes up with
the best caption for this photo
will win his or her choice of the following:

A brand new Star Trek Enterprise Bottle Opener

OR

A brand new set of Remote-Controlled Hopping Yodeling LederhosenOR

Combo Pack! Viking Helmet + Handerpants

(Yes, they're both brand new, too. It will be a cold day indeed when the proprietress of this blog goes into the used Handerpants business.)

Those are some prizes, huh? Talk about Sophie's choice!

Los Rules

• Post your gut-busting photo caption in the comments section before midnight of Friday, Sept. 17.
• Once all the comments are in, I will read them aloud to Jon Bon Jovi (not my husband's real name) without attribution. He will select the winner. If he's wrong, I will overrule his selection. (You married folks will be familiar with this dynamic.)
• I will then contact the winner and obtain a shipping address as well as a preference of prize loot.
• The winner and his/her bitchin' caption will be announced in an upcoming post.
  
• We will all live happily ever after.

Now - take a good, long look at that photo and let 'er rip! I can't wait to read your captions!


Have You Heard About...

Creative Alliance '10?

Also known as CA'10, this conference retreat happens next month (October 15-17) in gorgeous Ojai, California.


The inaugural CA ’10 was created with one mission in mind – to establish authentic, lasting alliances with like-minded women who are pursuing their creative business interests in the online space. The weekend promises to be fun, relaxing and - with attendance capped at 40 people - intimate. Please click here to find out more.


And - just announced! - another aspect of CA'10 that gives attendees a chance to showcase their writing chops. Click here to get the details.

I and the other members of the CA'10 core team hope to see you in Ojai in October. There are still tickets remaining, but they're going fast!