You're So Vein.

Can You Hear Me Now?

I made a discovery in the shower this morning. (No, not that discovery. Sheesh.)

I discovered that the Universe (see how I capitalized that? that'll pay off one of these days, you just wait) is communicating with me.

That's right: the Big U is paging Little A.

I used to think that if I ever had a metaphysical encounter, it would animated - like those Monty Python cartoons where the clouds stomp around with big, muscular calves and a pig can fall out of the sky and squish you without warning.

(Actually, I'd prefer that all communications be handled in this format.)

But now I know that not all metaphysical messages are accompanied by cartoon trumpet fanfare.

Truth is, I'm always on the lookout for little signs. I like to think that a particular Roy Clark song on the radio carries a hopeful message meant just for me, or that when I make three green lights in a row (screaming brakes and leaping pedestrians notwithstanding), it's the Universe's way of giving me a little wink and saying, "Hey, Anna, I got your back."

So I was tickled today to discover yet another friendly nod from beyond.

The words were small, wiggly and reddish-purple.

And they were on my thigh.

That's right - the Universe is communicating with me through my spider-veins.

Here, see for yourself:


Can you read it? Too far away? Okay, let me zoom in a bit:



Ta-da! Isn't that amazing? I know it's kind of hard to make out, but if you squint your eyes and tilt your head to one side you can see that the letters spell H-E-L-L-O.

Isn't that cool?!?

Once again, the Universe has tapped me on the shoulder leg with a friendly dispatch and I just had to share the experience with you all.

Who knows where my next special bulletin will appear? I can't wait!


CONGRATULATIONS!

The winner of last week's drawing to win my BlogHer '10 ticket is Jana from An Attitude Adjustment! High-five! And thank you to everyone who commented and entered the drawing!

And...

Thank you to Cheryl at Deckside Thoughts for the lovely Sunshine Award!

Giveaway-A-Go-Go!

The Prize: My BlogHer Ticket!

Here's the deal:

As you may know, I'll be speaking on the humor-writing panel at BlogHer '10 this summer in New York City.

One of the perks of being a speaker (in addition to the floor-length sequined cape and unlimited use of a personal, en suite cotton-candy machine while in NYC) is that my conference ticket is comped. (Thank you, BlogHer!)

Which means I no longer need the ticket I purchased months ago. Hence...

Le Big El Contesto Grande!

Just think - this could be YOU this summer:

(Except the badge would have your name on it. And it would read "BlogHer '10." Oh, and make that "New York City" instead of "Chicago." Plus you're probably not a paper monkey. Not that there's anything wrong with that!)

You get the picture.

You + Ticket to SOLD OUT BlogHer '10 = Quivering Mass of Joy

All righty, then.

So Here's What I'm Thinking

If you would like to win
my full-weekend ticket to BlogHer '10
with all the rights and privileges thereof:

First, you must answer the Insanely Difficult Mystery Question.

Study the photograph below. In it, I've cleverly hidden clues to the TWO tourist traps cultural epicenters we visited on our recent Spring Break road trip. Can you find them?


Think you have uncovered the two destinations? Great, write them down here. Quick, before you forget!

#1: ____________________

#2: ____________________

Second, post your answer (both destinations!) to the Insanely Difficult Mystery Question in a comment. You can comment as much as you like, but an individual may only enter the contest once.

Of course, it's all right to leave more than just the answers in your comment. You may want to shout out to the folks back home ("Look, Ma, I'm on the Internet!") or suck up to contest officials ("My, Anna, your mustache is less musty today than usual.")

Third, each individual who correctly answers the Insanely Difficult Mystery Question in their comment will be entered in a drawing for the BlogHer ticket. The drawing will take place in this hat which belongs to me and is impartial:


(Gomez has graciously agreed to vacate the hat prior to the drawing.)

Fourth, please note that all valid contest-entry comments must be posted by this deadline - as recorded by the Blogger comment time stamp:
(Hang in there, we're almost done.)

Fifth, the drawing will take place the morning of Friday, April 23. Once I successfully contact the winner, I will make an announcement in my next blog post and on Twitter. In the event I can't contact the winner by Noon PST on Monday, April 26, I will instruct one of my legion of minions to draw another winning entry from the hat.

For obvious reasons, PLEASE make sure your contact info is available, either through your Blogger profile or in your comment. I will do my very best to find our winner, even if I have to go into full Daniel Day Lewis/"Last of the Mohicans" mode.

Once the winner is contacted and confirmed, I will pass his/her info, etc. on to BlogHer and they will transfer my ticket into the winner's name.

Revelry will ensue. (I've also made some calls about releasing a flock of celebratory parakeets, but I can't guarantee anything at this point.) And voila!

Thanks for playing, everyone!

I'm An Interview-Whee!

Thanks to Rockin' Robin

For both of you those of you who've been asking to know more about me (at least, that's how I'm interpreting your requests for me to "write something normal for a change"), Robin at Robin's Chicks just posted her interview with me.

Robin is a gracious, considerate interviewer and only broke me down to tears a few times. (Actually, I blame one of those instances on her dog, Yvonne, who chewed through some plastic wrap and consumed two pounds of deer sausage shortly before my arrival.)

Anyway, thank you so much for interviewing me, Robin!

Fun Fact: Robin and I share the same birthday. So there you go.

P.S. I just learned that my "New Astrology" post is being syndicated by BlogHer and will appear on their home page this Friday. Wow - thank you, BlogHer!

The New Astrology

Or: The Zodiac...Is Whack.

That's it. I'm fed up with the old astrology system.

I'm tired of vague newspaper horoscopes. I've cracked open my last fortune cookie only to discover the following:

"Your friends find you sagacious
but only the boll weevil laments
the valise that is life."

Um, hello? Tell me something I don't know.

Nope, the old system is not working for me anymore. I have, therefore, as a public service and with no thought to personal gain (note to self: install PayPal button with next post) devised a new, modern and, dare I say, kick-ass zodiac system guaranteed to put a spring in your Crocs and a snap in your cosmic trunks. It's a simple system based on birth month and I like to call it:

The Karm-O-Matic

Januarian

Special Animal: Ocelot

Dominant Furniture Item: End Table

Vibrational Cheese: Muenster

Overview: Those born in January are known for their shiny, manageable hair, the attractiveness of which might (or might not) be enhanced by oversized canine teeth. Born under what is often called the "Sign of the Fajita," Januarians have innate pan-frying skills, which they often call upon if cornered in the wild. Those born under this sign are fiercely protective of their young, although they do seem to dress them funny.

Februarian

Special Animal: Lemur

Dominant Furniture Item: Murphy Bed

Vibrational Cheese: Asiago

Overview: Those born under this sign have an unnatural knack for recalling hockey stats, an ability that is greatly amplified by shaping the hair into an organic data receptacle, also known as a "mullet." An intensely creative people, Februarians are known for their explosive clog dances and fiercely woven tote bags. Under no circumstances should a Februarian become involved with a Junite. (No, I can't tell you why. It's is one of several Untalkedabout Things in the Karm-O-Matic System. Der.)

Marcher

Special Animal: Stuffed Bear

Dominant Furniture Item: Clothes Hamper

Vibrational Cheese: Alpine Lace

Overview: Ah, the Marchers. You know them, of course, as fruit leather artisans to the world, but did you also know they were pioneers in applying tuberous flowers to Rose Parade floats? Well, there you go. Although generally mild-mannered, those born under the Marcher banner are also really good at flicking things with a spork if annoyed, so, you know, heads up on that.

Aprilite

Special Animal: Birdie

Dominant Furniture Item: Davenport (No, really, you can look it up.)

Vibrational Cheese: Gouda

Overview: Those born under the "Sign of the Charcoal Insole" are known for their fastidiousness...with one exception: they never, EVER, empty their car ashtrays. Landlords love Aprilites because they never stick thumbtacks in their apartment walls but instead use those little blobs of goo to hold their posters. 23% of Aprilites possess an overwhelming and unfounded fear of inflatable rafts.

Mayite Mayan Maynard Mayjor

Special Animal: Duck

Dominant Furniture Item: Ottoman

Vibrational Cheese: Aerosol Bacon Cheddar

Overview: Don't ever make fun of a Mayjor's hat. That goes double for the Members Only jacket. That's really all you need to know.

Junite

Special Animal: Armadillo

Dominant Furniture Item: Umbrella Stand

Vibrational Cheese: Cottage

Overview: Junites are affable folks who love nothing more than to rent a movie from Blockbuster, bury it in their backyard and then sit around and talk about what it might have been like to watch it. They never cut in line and the only thing that gets under their skin is when someone pronounces "et cetera" as "ECK cetera." Unfortunately, entire suburbs have been wiped out as a result of this sensitivity.

Julysaurus

Special Animal: Platypus

Dominant Furniture Item: TV Tray

Vibrational Cheese: Camembert

Overview: Known as the healers of the Karm-O-Matic System, Julysauruses are highly empathic, often describing others' feeling before said others are even aware of them. (Yes, it can be annoying.) A highly fragrant group, their soft, calming patchouli scent often lingers after they depart, in stark contrast to the acrid bite of smoking rubber from the patches their Corvettes laid on your driveway.

Augustonian

Special Animal: Gator

Dominant Furniture Item: Shelf

Vibrational Cheese: Mozzarella

Overview: Almost all middle-school principals are Augustonians. No one knows why and we're all too scared to ask. Many people also hold those born under this sign responsible for the recent and ill-advised "jeggings" trend. I once saw an Augustonian recharge a cell-phone battery by pressing it to his forehead while doing a Robert Goulet impression. True story.

Septemberite

Special Animal: Cougar

Dominant Furniture Item: Hooked Rug

Vibrational Cheese: Limburger

Overview: Septemberites tend to be extremely organized and have been known to cross-reference their socks by wool content and country of origin. They are an easygoing group and make ideal mates for every sign in the Karm-O-Matic System. They also make mustard that is so hot it can burn your eyelashes off. Okay, not really, but that would be cool.

Octoberian

Special Animal: Flounder

Dominant Furniture Item: Coffee Table

Vibrational Cheese: Blue

Overview: Octoberians can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never never never let you forget you're a--wait, let me turn that dang radio off. Okay. Octoberians. As far as I know, there's only one and she lives in a gated community outside of Seattle. Her neighbors say she keeps to herself, raises fighting voles and never takes off her crocheted hat. So there you have it.

Novemberite

Special Animal: Porpoise

Dominant Furniture Item: Bean Bag Chair

Vibrational Cheese: Brie

Overview: Some of our nation's most revered truckers are Novemberites. Fun fact: those born under this sign never forget a joke but they do occasionally forget to put on sweatpants before answering the door. Want to know the way to a Novemberite's heart? Offer him/her a brisk exfoliation. You're welcome.

Decemberonian

Special Animal: Owl

Dominant Furniture Item: Captain's Chair

Vibrational Cheese: Ricotta

Overview: You will never catch a Decemberonian wearing a belt and shoes that don't match. Exactly half of them like lobster. As a group, they are surprisingly non-hairy, although one of them (last seen in the Dallas vicinity) single-handedly makes up for that. A Decemberonian will always loan you a pencil, but for God's sakes, don't chew the eraser.

And remember:
When life gives you lemons,
run 'em through the Karm-O-Matic!

Many thanks to BlogHer for syndicating this post on their website!

The 2010 Blog Census

Sit Down And Be Counted!

I was just filling out our census form here (I see that they have once again neglected to include "hillbilly" as an option among the race choices, dagnabbit), and I realized it was about time someone did some high-powered ciphering here in the blogosphere, too, if only to make sure we don't run out of French onion dip at BlogHer this summer. (Seriously, not a risk any of us should be willing to take.)

And so, for the good of the blogosphere, the Internet and salted-snack enthusiasts everywhere, please take a moment to share your answers to the questions below. Please note that your responses will be held in the strictest confidence, provided we don't tweet and/or Facebook them.

All righty, then! Here we go...

The 2010 Blog Census

1. How many blogs do you have?

a. None
b. 1
c. 2
d. 17

2. How many readers does your blog have?

a. 0-1
b. 1-2
c. 2-3
d. 10,000+

3. How would you describe your blog? Check all categories that apply:

O It's a mom blog.

O It is NOT a mom blog!

O I review books.

O I review other people's reviews of books.

O I take eye-popping photos of food that is so beautiful, it could not have been prepared without divine intervention.

O It's a crafts blog.

O It's a forum for lively political debate.

O It's my pulpit.

O All Twilight, all the time.

O It's where I indulge my passion for ___________ (insert hobby).

O It's a humor blog.

O It's not a humor blog, but for some reason, people keep laughing at it.

O It's a place where I can tell stories.

O It's a place where I can tell stories about my in-laws.

O It's not really a "blog," you know? I mean, I'm not one of those blogger people, but it's a little place where I can post photos of my kids for the grandparents to see, plus share a couple of recipes. Oh, and when I see a movie I really like, I talk about it. I also vent about the freaks at my job sometimes, but I don't use my real name on there so that's all right. I also paint. Watercolor. Sometimes I share one of my paintings, but then I almost always take it down right away because I'm shy. I got a really nice comment once, though, about one of my paintings. It made my day. I printed it out and put it on my fridge and sometimes when I think about quitting, I see that comment and I think maybe I'll make another painting. It's not a real blog, though. It's just a place I made where I have my stuff.

O All of the above.

O Other.

4. How often do people ask you what this "blog" thing is that you're doing OR ask you when you're going to "post a new blog on your website?"

a. 3-4 times per month
b. 5-7 timers per week
c. 8-10 times per day
d. hourly

5. What is your ultimate goal with respect to blogging?

a. To bring back culottes.
b. To recruit followers to my army of cape-wearing perfume spritzers.
c. To vent enough steam that I can resist shooting up my local post office.
d. World domination.

Thank you for taking the time to answer this short questionnaire.

You will be contacted by my cousin Bud an official census representative to schedule the final portion of the process: the in-home interview. For optimum results, please secure your dog(s), drop one of those blue-water tablets in your guest potty and place bowls of Funyuns in strategic locations throughout your home.

And Now...The News

Bitchin' Book Alert

Beth Kephart's anticipated young-adult novel, THE HEART IS NOT A SIZE (named to the coveted Indiebound list for Spring 2010), will be released March 30, and is now available for order. From the jacket flap:

Georgia knows what it means to keep secrets. She knows how to ignore things. She knows that some things are better left unsaid. . . . Or are they?

When Georgia and her best friend, Riley, travel along with nine other suburban Pennsylvania kids to Anapra, a squatters' village in the heat-flattened border city of Juarez, Mexico, secrets seem to percolate and threaten both a friendship and a life. Certainties unravel. Reality changes. And Georgia is left to figure out who she is outside the world she's always known.

Beth Kephart paints a world filled with emotion, longing, and the hot Mexican sun.

Sounds amazing, doesn't it? Beth's writing is evocative and soulful and no matter whether you qualify as a "young" adult or not, I'm confident you will love her work.

And don't forget to visit Beth's blog, one of the most thoughtful, illuminating destinations on the Web.


Incoming Contest!

Don't you just love a contest? I don't, but whatever. Anyway, I'll be holding a big ol' contest here very soon and I have a feeling it'll be a real barn-burner, so heads up!


More BlogHer Sessions Announced

BlogHer just announced more sessions on the BlogHer '10 conference agenda, including another round of Room of Your Own sessions. You can read all about them here.

Special congratulations to my friend Florinda of 3Rs Blog, who will be making her BlogHer speaking debut in a session entitled "The Evolving Publishing Ecosystem." (Florinda, if you get hungry during the session, I'll be in the front row with beef jerky. Just give me the high-sign and I'll whip you a piece.)


And Thank You...

...to Dusty Earth Mother for giving me the Beautiful Blogger Award (as opposed to the Haggard Blogger Award, which would be more accurate).

The Little Entries That Couldn't

I Prefer The Term "Winning-Adjacent"

Every couple of years, the public library in Centerville, Ohio hosts the Erma Bombeck Writing Contest and blahblahblah I didn't win. And neither did some of my very funny and talented blog buds.

But. That. Is. Oh. KAY. [cleansing breath!]

Now, what to do with our contest entries? It seems wrong to let them languish in their high-security, climate-controlled storage facility at undisclosed coordinates beneath the Rocky Mountains. Nay, nay! The essays must be free to roam the countryside, assailing passersby at will with their good natured, domestic humor.

And so it was that, as we bitched moaned commiserated over a few rounds of apple-boilermaker-tinis, the Leftovers Tour was born:

4 women.

4 blogs.

4 victory-challenged Erma Bombeck essays.

Joins us on this teeny-tiny tour as we each post our essays and share our individual interpretations of Erma Bombeck's legendary style, wit and warmth.

I've been an Erma Bombeck fan since I was 12 years old. This essay is my homage to the great lady who, as far as I'm concerned, started it all.

__________________________________________________

Uptight, Outta Sight
by Anna Lefler

When my purse spilled in the grocery store yesterday, I could tell by the looks on the other shoppers' faces that not everyone carries around a snakebite kit, road flares and freeze-dried astronaut food.

"I like to be prepared," I explained as I crouched to gather my belongings. "Now, who wants to help me fold my emergency hypothermia blanket?"

I am not a spontaneous person. I need to know what's coming—kind of like NORAD in mom jeans.

While other mothers seem to roll with ease through a day of instant playdates, pop-in neighbors and the last-minute duty of sewing a dozen liederhosen for third-grade Oktoberfest, my default response to a sleepover request from one of my children is, "What, this month? We're not ready!"

Grown-up events are no different.

"We should have a dinner party," I said to my husband last week.

"Oh, no you don't," he replied, his eyelid fluttering like Scarlet O'Hara's hankie. "I'm not falling for that again."

"Are you still grumpy because I asked for a little help last time?"

"The way I remember it, I was bludgeoned into painting the kitchen, sodding the front lawn and replumbing the powder room. And for what? The pleasure of listening to three couples brag about their children's standardized test scores while implying that our kids would be lucky to find work in a Bolivian mining operation."

It's true that I tend to overdo the preparations. It's compensation for the fact that I am not a natural hostess—one of those women who emerged from the womb clutching a pitcher of perfect martinis in one hand and a three-bean salad in the other. As someone better suited to throwing together a load of laundry than an impromptu supper with friends, I am in awe of some women's uncanny knack for effortless entertaining.

There is nothing effortless about my entertaining. My uncanny knack is selecting a recipe that seems manageable at first, then turns on me like a rabid dog two hours before my guests are due. Nothing saps my hostess mojo like the chilling realization at recipe step number nineteen that not only do I not know what a "rouelle" is, I also have no idea how to "flonday" it.

I suppose I should just accept that I'm not a spontaneous, easygoing person who thrives in the social flow, but rather an uptight person whose idea of "me" time is smearing my chin with hair-removal cream then vacuuming the coffee table.

Don't get me wrong—you're welcome to come over, but could you call first? I'd like to polish the houseplants before you get here.

___________________________________________

The Leftovers Tour:

Because Failure Is Its Own Success

Click on the links below to read entries
from these very funny ladies:

** Erma fans will also want to read the lovely tribute post written by Jennifer Sutton at These Are Days.

[This post brought to you by the colors avocado and harvest gold.]

Flack Attack

Fear Not. I'm a PR Professional.

Back in my public relations days of yore, when I was first learning nifty phrases like "Be proactive!" and "Sell the sizzle, not the steak!" --

[Whoa - flashback! I just had the overwhelming urge to make fifteen rush copies of something, tidy up the break room and hang up on a toner salesman. Whew! Old habits die hard, don't they?]

Anyway...when I was a wee lass starting out in the PR business, one of my tasks was to call publications and request their editorial calendars. At first I didn't know what an editorial calendar was, but luckily I had the kind of trollish, back-stabbing supportive, mentoring supervisor that made learning the ropes a pleasure. *hork*

Editorial Calendar - A publication's schedule of topics to be covered in upcoming issues.

I got to thinking about this the other day and I asked myself, "Self," I exclaimed burst chided murmured hissed said, "why don't we have an editorial calendar for LJKGW?" At which point Self made some rather outrageous personal accusations and called me a rude name. Things deteriorated pretty quickly after that.

Refusing to be bullied, I was determined to bring up the topic at the next LJKGW staff meeting. However, just as I finished leading the pledge of allegiance, my staff scampered off to make fifteen rush copies of things, tidy up the break room and hang up on toner salesmen.

So. It appears it's up to me to present to you:

The Life Just Keeps Getting Weirder
Editorial Calendar for What's Left of 2010*

MARCH

• When Baby Chicks Attack
  
• Carpentry Corner: Build Your Own Stroller from Scrap Lumber
  
• What Your Leprechaun Wishes He Could Tell You
  
• LJKGW Investigates: Things That May Or May Not Be True, Depending on Whom You Ask

APRIL

• What's Up With Ducks?
• "You're Not the Boss of Me!" (Special Administrative Professionals Day Issue)
• Seriously, What Is This Thing on My Foot?
• Macarena vs. Lambada: It's ON.

MAY

• Rubik's Cube is Stupid Because I Say So
• Maybe I Don't Want to Go to the Gym Today
• Your Magnificent Spleen
• My Recurring Harlem Globetrotters/Morgan Fairchild Dream
  

JUNE

• "Denim Leggings Ruined My Marriage" - One Woman's Story
  
• Apparently, Cats Don't Like Taking Baths
  
• Camping: Why?
• Things I Would Do at the Mall If I Could Levitate (and Read Minds)
  

JULY

• At last! A Three-Piece Bathing Suit!
• We Want the Funk. (Hunh!) Give Up the Funk. (Awww!)
  
• My Dad Could SO Beat Up Your Dad
• Sticky Notes You Wish You'd Written
  

AUGUST

• Dating: If It Doesn't Hurt, You're Not Doing It Right
• Celebrity Crochet - Make Angelina Jolie's Tissue Box Cover!
• Wii Roller Derby: The Time Has Come
  
• I Like a York Peppermint Patty Now and Again
  

SEPTEMBER

• Letter From the Editor: "Everyone's Against Me"
• Product Review - The Glock Craftinator 9000 Semi-Automatic Hot Glue Gun
• Let's Have a Home-Perm Party!
  
• Sports That Should Be Combined to Make Them More Dangerous
  

OCTOBER

• I'm Happy. I Know It. I Don't Have to Clap My Hands if I Don't Want To.
• Halloween Costumes That Will Keep Your Children Awake for 5 Days Straight
  
• 4,972 Signs He's Not Into You
• Ways to Trick Your Toddler Into Cleaning Your House
  

NOVEMBER

• Bacon Crafts You Can Wear Then Eat
  
• Bacon's Role in Shaping Our Nation's History
• A Bacon-Themed Thanksgiving? Why the Heck Not?
  
• Bacon: The Other Striped Meat

DECEMBER

• Who Is This "No. 9" and Why Did He/She Inspect My Parka?
• Pie
  
• Web Performance Anxiety - Are You Interesting Enough to Be On the Internet?
• Persuasive Essay: Boudoir Photography Is an Acceptable Office Secret Santa Gift
  

* (content subject to change without notice, some restrictions apply, coupons not accepted for this promotion, absolutely no refunds - store credit only, turn inside out before laundering)