Showing posts with label Halloween. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Halloween. Show all posts

Monday, October 31, 2011

The Pumpkin Stays in the Picture

I grew up on television. (Shocking, I know.)

I grew up watching TV back when it consisted of a mere handful of channels. I watched on a medium-sized black-and-white screen that teetered on a rolling metal stand and atop which was perched a pair of wilted rabbit ears. One of the rabbit ears always had a tin foil appendage springing out from it at an impossible angle, giving the whole set-up the air of a feeble, irritable robot, doing its best to flip off our family with its lone, Reynolds-Wrap digit.

Of course, this TV had no remote. I had heard of TVs with remotes, but had never seen one. Certainly no one in my neighborhood had such a fancy rig. If you wanted to change the channel, you heaved yourself off the sofa, fought your way through a couple yards of shag carpeting and flipped the dial with an audible thunk. Of course, if the other channel was at commercial, you stood there and waited to find out what showing. As a result, one of the biggest factors that determined my young viewing habits was laziness. A show had to be really awful for me to go to the trouble of getting up and changing the channel, which explains why I still can quote large passages of dialogue from “The Rifleman.”

Once every so often, though, something magical would happen on that little screen in the family room. It always began with the urgent pounding of kettle drums, followed by a clarion crescendo of French horns. This fanfare heralded one thing and one thing only: A CBS Special Presentation. Everyone in the house would run to the family room like travelers responding to a airport gate change announcement.

Regular programming has been interrupted! Something is about to happen!

And, if it were about this time in October, the CBS Special Presentation was “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.”

From the downbeat of Vince Guaraldi’s signature score to the last “Good Grief,” it was the perfectly satisfying Halloween treat. It was for me, anyway. I sat each year on the floor in front of the TV, arms wrapped around my knees, absorbing every moment and nuance of the show until it became imprinted on me like a farmer on a duckling. Keep in mind, this was decades before the DVR. I got to see the show once a year. Period.

It sure stuck, though.

I watched it through elementary school’s jumpers and knee socks. I watched it through junior high’s breakouts and retainers.

“All I got was a rock,” Charlie Brown moans. I know how you feel, I think.

I watched it through two cross-country moves, during which we bought a new TV set and the Peanuts gang blossomed from shades of gray into color. I watched it through the heartbreaks and discoveries of high school, never failing to find comfort in Charlie Brown’s enlightened acceptance of the rock in the bottom of his trick-or-treat bag and his relentless refusal to believe that that was all he would ever find there.

Keep ringing those doorbells, Charlie Brown, I think. Maybe next year.

In my adult, pre-mommy years, the show became Halloween for me. If I got any trick-or-treaters at my West Los Angeles apartment, they were long-gone by the time I got home from work and dropped by briefcase inside the door. I could curl up on the sofa, though, and, through the miracle of my VCR, spend Halloween crouching among the vines with Linus and sharing his zealous hope that this was the year his pumpkin patch would be recognized as the most sincere.

Life has changed quite a bit since then, just as television has changed. We have hundreds of channels available and the technology to record multiple programs automatically then view them later at our leisure. Already my children have watched a number of Halloween programs – animated and otherwise – that they’ve harvested from the DVR.

The kettle drum and French horn fanfare that electrified my household in the 70s would be lost among the thumps and shouts of today’s crowded kid-show marketplace. That’s all right, though, because my children know that each year there will be one evening, very close to Halloween, when I will reach into the back of the closet and pull out the same, single DVD as the year before. Then, feeling very much like a kid myself, I will light a spooky candle, turn down the lamps and pull my children close to me on the sofa, so happy that my dear, old friends have become theirs as well.

Friday, October 29, 2010

The Official Halloween Aptitude Test

Kindly take a seat.

As we head into the holiday season, it's important to remember that the holidays
present unique emotional challenges for many people. The experts here at Life Just Keeps Getting Weirder have designed this targeted aptitude test to help citizens better address their emotional state as we head into the first of the season's special celebrations: Halloween.

At the conclusion of this questionnaire, you will be advised as to which holiday coping mechanism will likely work best for you based on your responses. [Please use a No. 2 pencil and fill in the bubbles completely. We really shouldn't have to tell you that, but whatev.]

Halloween Aptitude Test

1. When I first see Halloween items appearing in the stores, I feel:

a. giddy
b. enraged
c. twitchy
d. disoriented

2. At the sight of the massive quantities of candy for sale, I:

a.
feel sorry for poor little children who receive store-bought goodies on Halloween night and resolve to perfect my recipe for dairy-free organic pralines in time for trick-or-treating.
b.
poke my finger into each and every Reese's cup.
c. lecture store clerk on the nation's skyrocketing child-obesity rates.
d.
climb into shopping cart and do loud impersonation of Sammy Davis, Jr. singing "The Candy Man" toward security camera.

3. My favorite Halloween memory:

a.
is the time dear Papa hitched Bess, our kindly Clydesdale, to the old red wagon for a jaunty hayride in the crisp, autumn air down to the apple orchard and Mama brought a basket of fresh, warm pumpkin muffins and an earthenware jug of hot, spiced cider, the warmth of which toasted our plump, little fingers through our hand-knit mittens that Grand Mere made for us in spite of being legally blind (but never grumpy). It was grand, simply grand.
b.
is the year I perfected my flaming poo catapult.
c.
is when I discovered that I could fake a fever so I could hide under my blankie rather than have to go trick-or-treating in the dark with all those creepy strangers in costumes.
d.
is gone for good since that last electro-shock treatment.

4. At Halloween I like to take a pumpkin and:


a. well, I usually get a dozen pumpkins for all my projects, but if I only had one then I guess I would toast the seeds as a snack for my bridge group and use some of the meat to make my signature cinnamon pumpkin butter and then decoupage the shell with travel illustrations clipped from my vintage magazine collection and slip a nightlight in there for a cheery glow.
b. carve Charles Manson's face into it. Then back over it with my pickup.
c. oh, I would never get a pumpkin. They mold and attract gnats, which are known disease carriers.
d. you know, just hang out with it.

5. I think the foundation of a great Halloween costume is:

a.
creativity!
b. lots of blood. Fake, if that's all you have on hand.
c. something without wool. I'm allergic to wool.
d.
MC Hammer pants.

6. What is your Halloween costume this year?

a. Elizabeth Bennet from Jane Austen's PRIDE AND PREJUDICE - yards and yards of silks and velvets and - oh! - such a delicious little hat!
b. Leatherface from "Texas Chainsaw Massacre." That's my costume every year.
c.
Howard Hughes. That way, I can stay in character and still not have to touch anything.
d.
Something that goes with my MC Hammer pants.

7. When someone rings my doorbell on Halloween, I:

a. present a hostess tray with seasonal offerings, including my handmade clove and nutmeg sachets tied in dainty organza bags.
b. leap out of the bushes in my mask and fire up the ol' chainsaw.
c.
distribute antibacterial hand wipes
d. start drooling. Happens with any kind of bell. I don't know why.

8. Do you decorate for Halloween?


a.
Oh, yes! Each year I bedeck my cottage to look like a haunted Victorian carriage house, complete with ghostly figures gliding past the windows in gossamer bedclothes, searching in vain for their earthly dominion. I accompany the scene with an original composition that I play on my antique harpsichord.
b. Yeah, if you call covering the front of the house in camouflage "decorating."
c.
Of course not - that would only encourage people.
d. Well, sure, I mean I've got the dry ice and strobe lights going year-round, so it's pretty easy to crank it up a notch for Halloween.

9. If you could change one thing about Halloween, what would it be?

a.
Have a second Halloween in the spring that's all about being cute rather than scary.
b. Allow the use of live ammo.
c.
If I couldn't get rid of it altogether, I'd at least do the trick-or-treating at lunchtime when it's nice and sunny.
d. More caroling. I like a good Halloween carol.

10. The best thing about Halloween is:

a. the sheer joy of sharing my vision of All Hallow's Eve with my cherished neighbors and their adorable offspring.
b. scaring the crap out of people. Duh.
c. when it's over.
d. the egg hunt!

Assessment and Recommendations

If you answered mostly "A":


You need to back it off the pumpkin. Even Martha Stewart finds you annoying.

If you answered mostly "B":

Please stand by while we confer with your parole officer.

If you answered mostly "C":

Have you considered moving to Switzerland?

If you answered mostly "D":


You are uniquely equipped to understand and appreciate all that is Halloween. Enjoy!

[You may put your pencils down.]

Have a Safe and Fun Halloween, Everyone!