The Official Halloween Aptitude Test

Kindly take a seat.

As we head into the holiday season, it's important to remember that the holidays present unique emotional challenges for many people. The experts here at Life Just Keeps Getting Weirder have designed this targeted aptitude test to help citizens better address their emotional state as we head into the first of the season's special celebrations: Halloween.

At the conclusion of this questionnaire, you will be advised as to which holiday coping mechanism will likely work best for you based on your responses. [Please use a No. 2 pencil and fill in the bubbles completely. We really shouldn't have to tell you that, but whatev.]

Halloween Aptitude Test

1. When I first see Halloween items appearing in the stores, I feel:

a. giddy
b. enraged
c. twitchy
d. disoriented

2. At the sight of the massive quantities of candy for sale, I:

a. feel sorry for poor little children who receive store-bought goodies on Halloween night and resolve to perfect my recipe for dairy-free organic pralines in time for trick-or-treating.
b. poke my finger into each and every Reese's cup.
c. lecture store clerk on the nation's skyrocketing child-obesity rates.
d. climb into shopping cart and do loud impersonation of Sammy Davis, Jr. singing "The Candy Man" toward security camera.

3. My favorite Halloween memory:

a. is the time dear Papa hitched Bess, our kindly Clydesdale, to the old red wagon for a jaunty hayride in the crisp, autumn air down to the apple orchard and Mama brought a basket of fresh, warm pumpkin muffins and an earthenware jug of hot, spiced cider, the warmth of which toasted our plump, little fingers through our hand-knit mittens that Grand Mere made for us in spite of being legally blind (but never grumpy). It was grand, simply grand.
b. is the year I perfected my flaming poo catapult.
c. is when I discovered that I could fake a fever so I could hide under my blankie rather than have to go trick-or-treating in the dark with all those creepy strangers in costumes.
d. is gone for good since that last electro-shock treatment.

4. At Halloween I like to take a pumpkin and:

a. well, I usually get a dozen pumpkins for all my projects, but if I only had one then I guess I would toast the seeds as a snack for my bridge group and use some of the meat to make my signature cinnamon pumpkin butter and then decoupage the shell with travel illustrations clipped from my vintage magazine collection and slip a nightlight in there for a cheery glow.
b. carve Charles Manson's face into it. Then back over it with my pickup.
c. oh, I would never get a pumpkin. They mold and attract gnats, which are known disease carriers.
d. you know, just hang out with it.

5. I think the foundation of a great Halloween costume is:

a. creativity!
b. lots of blood. Fake, if that's all you have on hand.
c. something without wool. I'm allergic to wool.
d. MC Hammer pants.

6. What is your Halloween costume this year?

a. Elizabeth Bennet from Jane Austen's PRIDE AND PREJUDICE - yards and yards of silks and velvets and - oh! - such a delicious little hat!
b. Leatherface from "Texas Chainsaw Massacre." That's my costume every year.
c. Howard Hughes. That way, I can stay in character and still not have to touch anything.
d. Something that goes with my MC Hammer pants.

7. When someone rings my doorbell on Halloween, I:

a. present a hostess tray with seasonal offerings, including my handmade clove and nutmeg sachets tied in dainty organza bags.
b. leap out of the bushes in my mask and fire up the ol' chainsaw.
c. distribute antibacterial hand wipes
d. start drooling. Happens with any kind of bell. I don't know why.

8. Do you decorate for Halloween?

a. Oh, yes! Each year I bedeck my cottage to look like a haunted Victorian carriage house, complete with ghostly figures gliding past the windows in gossamer bedclothes, searching in vain for their earthly dominion. I accompany the scene with an original composition that I play on my antique harpsichord.
b. Yeah, if you call covering the front of the house in camouflage "decorating."
c. Of course not - that would only encourage people.
d. Well, sure, I mean I've got the dry ice and strobe lights going year-round, so it's pretty easy to crank it up a notch for Halloween.

9. If you could change one thing about Halloween, what would it be?

a. Have a second Halloween in the spring that's all about being cute rather than scary.
b. Allow the use of live ammo.
c. If I couldn't get rid of it altogether, I'd at least do the trick-or-treating at lunchtime when it's nice and sunny.
d. More caroling. I like a good Halloween carol.

10. The best thing about Halloween is:

a. the sheer joy of sharing my vision of All Hallow's Eve with my cherished neighbors and their adorable offspring.
b. scaring the crap out of people. Duh.
c. when it's over.
d. the egg hunt!

Assessment and Recommendations

If you answered mostly "A":

You need to back it off the pumpkin. Even Martha Stewart finds you annoying.

If you answered mostly "B":

Please stand by while we confer with your parole officer.

If you answered mostly "C":

Have you considered moving to Switzerland?

If you answered mostly "D":

You are uniquely equipped to understand and appreciate all that is Halloween. Enjoy!

[You may put your pencils down.]

Have a Safe and Fun Halloween, Everyone!

[Insert Awful Tennis Pun of Choice Here]

Inexplicably, I have tennis elbow.

Whatever, right? Right, except that the last time I swung a tennis racket I was wearing Roll-on Kissing Potion, my clarinet case was leaning against the chain-link fence and I was sporting a pink Izod shirt with the collar popped so high that it folded my earlobes. Now, that's some late-friggin'-onset tennis elbow.

I'm beginning to consider, however, the credibility of a second option...an option that, in light of certain evidence, seems most plausible:

I think I'm playing tennis in my sleep.

That's right - I think I'm sleep-tennising. C'mon, you've read weirder things in the Internet. Everyone readily accepts the phenomenon of sleep-walking...can sleep-sports be far behind?

The more I think about it, the more it makes sense, really. All the signs are there:

• The sudden appearance of a flock of those snow-white, frilly tennis-diaper-cover thingies in the laundry hamper
  
• My recent obsession with Bjorn Borg - or is it Martina Navratilova? (Dammit.)
  
• The fact that I have adopted Monica Seles' signature grunt for any activity requiring even the slightest exertion (Passing the green beans at dinner - "UNH!" Applying mascara - "UNH!" Answering the phone - "UNH!")
• My new habit when helping out in my kids' classrooms of yelling "FAULT!" whenever one of the children answers a question incorrectly
• The judgmental way Jon Bon Jovi (not my husband's real name) was looking at me this morning when I woke up and discovered I was wearing a read-white-and-blue-striped terry cloth headband...and sneakers.

Of course, I have questions about my new sleep-tennis lifestyle. Many questions.

For instance, which club have I joined? Does it have valet parking? Do they make a decent Monte Cristo sandwich? Are the dues such that I can effectively hide them from Jon Bon Jovi? Do they host a holiday dinner dance and, if so, am I on the decorations committee?

And what about my tennis-playing? Am I ranked? Should I be boning up for the state championships? Or wait - what if I got tennis elbow not from playing tennis but from repeatedly hoisting courtside gin and tonics and signaling for reloads of cocktail weenies? What if I'm one of those Mrs. Robinson types who goes to the club just to lounge around in a gold lame caftan and ogle the taut, young cabana boys?

[ahem]

Hey, back off, man - everyone needs a hobby.

Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time for my afternoon nap...
Le Thanks

I'm tickled pink to receive the Encouraged Award from The Wife of Riley! (((Hug.)))

Blicky Kitty has gone and created her own personal award, of which I am a very proud recipient. It's Blicky Kitty's Blogs Worth Stalking Award and you can see it here (as well as in my sidebar). Meow-meow and thanks-thanks!

Big thanks to Ashley and JenniferSusan for the Proximidade Award!

And I've been tagged by Elizabeth, Nicole, Hula, Brooke, and Mandy for some very cool memes that I have not yet had the chance to tackle. Thanks for taggin' me up!

Meme Smackdown! (And a Dubious Compliment)

Behold the Dubiousness

OK, so I know I promised you a dubious compliment at the tail end of the last post, and I was going to relate this whole, long story involving a restaurant host, lumpy Hollandaise sauce and public mocking (of me) by three other women, but I'll condense it into this little morsel of mental taffy for you to chew on:

Is it a compliment for a stranger to mistake you for a celebrity...who is 20 years older than you are?

P.S. It was not a movie or TV star, it was someone in the news media. And, NO, it wasn't Geraldo Rivera...but I see how you got there.
Say It Like You Meme It

The whole meme thing intrigues me. (At first, I misread it as "mime," which is clown-adjacent, and I have some serious issues with those who practice the dark arts of the squirting lapel flower. I can't even look at those teeny little electric cars - you know, the reeeeeally small ones - because I just know that twenty clowns are going to spill out of them at any moment with their flappy shoes and pretend grins, like I don't get enough silly clothes and fake smiles already every morning at Peet's...)

Anyway...memes.

I just got nailed tagged with my first meme within the last week by the lovely Melodie over at Me & My Girls, and it looks like a cool one (thanks, Melodie!):


Hmmm...seven random or weird facts about myself. Here goes:

1. I played glockenspiel in our high school marching band. (Explains a lot, yes?)
   
2. My favorite part of fried chicken: the skin.
3. In 5th grade, I won a contest writing a song that used only the black piano keys. (Wait, is that racist?)
4. When I was around 10 years old, I used to eat a whole can of black olives, then pour the juice into a little glass and drink it while pretending to be James Bond. [Note to self: delete #4 before you publish this post, you big, big freak.]
   
5. I was born without wisdom teeth. (Some would say I could do without the "teeth" in that statement.)
6. I detest seafood to the point that I resent aquariums.
7. Secret career aspiration: long-haul trucker with a sleeper cab. (Mostly, I just want to have a sleeper cab; driving around with an air horn would be gravy.)

Whew! Well, that was bracing. I think we both learned a few things we'd like to expunge from the ol' hard drive as soon as possible, hmmm?

But wait - there's more...

I am honored to have received two variations on the "Kreativ Blogger" award from several new blog buds. This one...


...is from Sanity Check, One Two... and The Wise Young Mommy.

And, for spring, it also comes in this color combo from Two Girls for Mama:


Thanks so much for these!

So the deal here is that the recipient is supposed to list six things they love/value and six things they, well, don't. I'll skip the usual love list of kids and pets and husbands (Woops! That last one is supposed to be singular, isn't it?) and instead share a few more specific everyday dislikes and some offsetting activities to accompany them.

In the end, if I've done my math correctly, no one gets hurt.

1. Horrid woman drowning in any of the Liz Taylor "fragrances" who's barking into her cell phone and holding up the grocery checkout line can be cancelled out by the fact that she must endure the audible cheers of those in line behind her when smug, 20-year-old store manager refuses to honor her expired two-for-one coupon on Jimmy Dean sausage patties.
2. Buzzkills who, oblivious to all social cues, relentlessly harangue others with their political views can be cancelled out by making them listen in turn to your detailed description of the side-splitting opening scene of "Undercover Brother."
3. Parking ticket given by hateful, passive-aggressive meter maid with obvious John Wayne complex can be cancelled out with extended sofa snuggles with beagle puppy. (Awww...)
4. Snooty boutique salesgirls who act like you're invisible just because you're wearing cowboy boots and on old Oingo Boingo concert t-shirt can be cancelled out by storing the experience away to be used later when creating a character in a novel who, as it happens, contracts gonorrhea.
5. Being addressed by a strange man as "Honey" or "Sweetie" can be cancelled out by addressing him in return as "Shrinky" or "Maude."
6. Having to spend an evening in the company of someone who is so arrogant and self-absorbed that they never ask even once what you do can be cancelled out by calling them by the wrong name on the way out and wishing them luck on a fictional project that is not in their field.

Well, there it is. And I don't know about you, but I feel...refreshed...exhilarated...cleansed. Much like that first time I had Indian food.

Oh, and I went to a pumpkin-carving party Saturday night.


Could I be any more lazy?

A Portent Of Doom (Plus News And A Group Hug)

Let's get the doom out of the way right now.

I don't know what it bodes for the weekend that I woke up this morning with a Hanson song on my lips. What unspeakable dreams must I have had that would culminate in the utterance of "Mmm-Bop!" just as my alarm clock started bleating?

I trust we shall not speak of this again.

And, in other news...

-

Congratulations to Jessica Gottlieb for winning our HARO contest (below)! Although no one got the answers exactly right, Jessica came closest. Therefore, according to the Big Book of Silly Blog Contest Rules (sitting right here on my desk underneath my nunchucks and a can of Raid), she wins the loot!

What's that prize again? Feast your eyes on this little piece of head candy:

[Note to self: look up "head candy" at UrbanDictionary.com to make sure it's not dirty.]

Yesss. So stand by, Jessica, because the fellas in fulfillment will be contacting you shortly to arrange for shipping and there will likely be some tax paperwork to complete as well.

And, for those of you playing the home version of our game, here are the answers:

These media inquiries are REAL:

• Factoids On Mucus
• Professional Chefs Who Ride Bicycles
• Benefits to Having Longer Labia [I know! WhatEVER.]
• Labeled a Slut in High School?

And these are the ones I MADE UP:

• Use of Balloon Animals in Anger-Management Courses
• Tips on Winterizing Your Mullet
• Men's Sport Kilt: The New Choice for Casual Friday?
• Finding the Right Personal Stylist for Your Baby or Toddler

It gives one pause, yes? Thanks to EVERYONE who commented and participated!

(On a side note, I, for one, think it takes a big man to wear a kilt. Especially in, say, West Virginia. And even more especially if your job is something like delivering bottled water or teaching 7th grade. In my book, wearing clothes that have a built-in danger factor is indicative of a certain heartiness of spirit melded with good-natured whimsicality that I find kind of appealing. I might be an enthusiast. Whatever. I'm just sayin'.)

Now, get over here and give me some sugar (and two cool badges).

On the blog bling front, I've had two lovely surprises this week.

The first is from Karen over at NouvelleBlogger, who put me in line for this:

Obviously, super-cool. Thank you, Karen! Karen and I met in prison and I highly recommend her blog. [Ahem. The link's right up there.]

I also received this from Deb at Debbie Does Drivel:

Wow! Thank you, Deb! Deb and I connected through HumorBloggers.com and her blog is hilarious. [OK, those are the only two places you have to go. I'm not asking that much, am I? Seriously, it's a little late in the evening to be playing this hard to get.]

Now, I know there are all sorts of rules and obligations that come with these awards so I've sent those files over to the legal department where a couple of highly trained and appropriately degreed women are "reviewing" them, which I think in actuality means "removing all the paper clips, scattering the papers all over the desks then stomping down to the break room to sit at a plastic table, drink Tab and sullenly flip through Us Magazine while grousing about how it's just plain unattractive when young, female celebrities allow themselves to get so damn skinny!"

Thanks again, Karen and Deb! Sally Field moment!