Friday, October 29, 2010

The Official Halloween Aptitude Test

Kindly take a seat.

As we head into the holiday season, it's important to remember that the holidays
present unique emotional challenges for many people. The experts here at Life Just Keeps Getting Weirder have designed this targeted aptitude test to help citizens better address their emotional state as we head into the first of the season's special celebrations: Halloween.

At the conclusion of this questionnaire, you will be advised as to which holiday coping mechanism will likely work best for you based on your responses. [Please use a No. 2 pencil and fill in the bubbles completely. We really shouldn't have to tell you that, but whatev.]

Halloween Aptitude Test

1. When I first see Halloween items appearing in the stores, I feel:

a. giddy
b. enraged
c. twitchy
d. disoriented

2. At the sight of the massive quantities of candy for sale, I:

feel sorry for poor little children who receive store-bought goodies on Halloween night and resolve to perfect my recipe for dairy-free organic pralines in time for trick-or-treating.
poke my finger into each and every Reese's cup.
c. lecture store clerk on the nation's skyrocketing child-obesity rates.
climb into shopping cart and do loud impersonation of Sammy Davis, Jr. singing "The Candy Man" toward security camera.

3. My favorite Halloween memory:

is the time dear Papa hitched Bess, our kindly Clydesdale, to the old red wagon for a jaunty hayride in the crisp, autumn air down to the apple orchard and Mama brought a basket of fresh, warm pumpkin muffins and an earthenware jug of hot, spiced cider, the warmth of which toasted our plump, little fingers through our hand-knit mittens that Grand Mere made for us in spite of being legally blind (but never grumpy). It was grand, simply grand.
is the year I perfected my flaming poo catapult.
is when I discovered that I could fake a fever so I could hide under my blankie rather than have to go trick-or-treating in the dark with all those creepy strangers in costumes.
is gone for good since that last electro-shock treatment.

4. At Halloween I like to take a pumpkin and:

a. well, I usually get a dozen pumpkins for all my projects, but if I only had one then I guess I would toast the seeds as a snack for my bridge group and use some of the meat to make my signature cinnamon pumpkin butter and then decoupage the shell with travel illustrations clipped from my vintage magazine collection and slip a nightlight in there for a cheery glow.
b. carve Charles Manson's face into it. Then back over it with my pickup.
c. oh, I would never get a pumpkin. They mold and attract gnats, which are known disease carriers.
d. you know, just hang out with it.

5. I think the foundation of a great Halloween costume is:

b. lots of blood. Fake, if that's all you have on hand.
c. something without wool. I'm allergic to wool.
MC Hammer pants.

6. What is your Halloween costume this year?

a. Elizabeth Bennet from Jane Austen's PRIDE AND PREJUDICE - yards and yards of silks and velvets and - oh! - such a delicious little hat!
b. Leatherface from "Texas Chainsaw Massacre." That's my costume every year.
Howard Hughes. That way, I can stay in character and still not have to touch anything.
Something that goes with my MC Hammer pants.

7. When someone rings my doorbell on Halloween, I:

a. present a hostess tray with seasonal offerings, including my handmade clove and nutmeg sachets tied in dainty organza bags.
b. leap out of the bushes in my mask and fire up the ol' chainsaw.
distribute antibacterial hand wipes
d. start drooling. Happens with any kind of bell. I don't know why.

8. Do you decorate for Halloween?

Oh, yes! Each year I bedeck my cottage to look like a haunted Victorian carriage house, complete with ghostly figures gliding past the windows in gossamer bedclothes, searching in vain for their earthly dominion. I accompany the scene with an original composition that I play on my antique harpsichord.
b. Yeah, if you call covering the front of the house in camouflage "decorating."
Of course not - that would only encourage people.
d. Well, sure, I mean I've got the dry ice and strobe lights going year-round, so it's pretty easy to crank it up a notch for Halloween.

9. If you could change one thing about Halloween, what would it be?

Have a second Halloween in the spring that's all about being cute rather than scary.
b. Allow the use of live ammo.
If I couldn't get rid of it altogether, I'd at least do the trick-or-treating at lunchtime when it's nice and sunny.
d. More caroling. I like a good Halloween carol.

10. The best thing about Halloween is:

a. the sheer joy of sharing my vision of All Hallow's Eve with my cherished neighbors and their adorable offspring.
b. scaring the crap out of people. Duh.
c. when it's over.
d. the egg hunt!

Assessment and Recommendations

If you answered mostly "A":

You need to back it off the pumpkin. Even Martha Stewart finds you annoying.

If you answered mostly "B":

Please stand by while we confer with your parole officer.

If you answered mostly "C":

Have you considered moving to Switzerland?

If you answered mostly "D":

You are uniquely equipped to understand and appreciate all that is Halloween. Enjoy!

[You may put your pencils down.]

Have a Safe and Fun Halloween, Everyone!


Anna Lefler said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mandy said...

Love the MC hammer pants reference. Iactually had a pair of those when I was in 7th grade...Ahhh, the good ole days.

Mamarazzi said...

oh this post was awesome. i was falling deeper and deeper into your bloggy goodness spell and then fell over with giddiness when you gave me a shout out.

you. are. awesome.


i. am. narcissistic.

Beth Kephart said...

Can I ask you a question? Just one single question? How long does it take you to amass such cleverness in a single post?

For the holiday record: I may have to move to another country. I will not ever be voted the Uber Martha Stewart.

Suzann said...

Oh my - I guess I'm so strange I don't fall into any of the catagories. I choose "E" none of the above. LOL

MuseSwings said...

I used my caligraphy pen - spicey pumpkin orange ink for that test of yours and I drew little tiny pumpkins inside the answer bubbles. Then I cut teensy tinsie eyes and mouths out of black silk and glued those on with my Elmers Extra Strength Craft Bond. I'm afraid I lost track of the answers, looking more for a nice pattern than giving you the satisfaction of knowing my own true self.

Bill said...

Wow - Brilliant post Anna! I think its Stumble time! Happy Halloween. Or Miserable Haloween, Or so-so Halloween, or get off my case Halloween, take your pic :>)

Kat Mortensen said...

I'm getting my passport and packing for Schweiss as we speak!

Check out my blog for what I do to escape the "Hallowe'en Oranges" (I don't wish to be misconstrued by using the OTHER colour).

Hint: it involves lots of celluloid. (Oh, and popcorn!)

Kat (a.k.a. "Sulatil" today)

Sue Wilkey said...

OMG that was hilarious "blood - fake, if that's all you have".

The whole thing. Brilliant.

AngiDe said...

I'm so gonna make my hubby take that quiz! That is awesome!

"Nana's Box"

The Hussy Housewife said...

LOVE IT! Thanks god I passed and the my medication is working.... WORD VERIFICATION last 3 letters is STD! Sweet baby JESUS! What are you trying to do to me?

Beth said...

I think I answered mostly C's. Or was it D's? I wanted to answer mostly A's, though. Is that bad?

My MC Hammer pants are in the dryer as we, type.

And I love keeping up with your...whatever.


Vivian Mahoney said...

Great post! The arguments have already started in my house about wearing coats over the Halloween costumes tomorrow night.


Happy Halloween!

LarryG said...

hey = thanks for the laughter - it is after all super medicine!

Anonymous said...

Great post, hilarious!

Should I be worried? The chain saw sounds sooooo appealing.


jennifersusan said...

ohohoh...a cross between MC Hammer and Martha Stewart with gobs of fake blood while handing out pumpkin muffins and warm cider! That's exactly what I should do tomorrow! Thanks! That should scare the crap out of the people in this neighborhood, or at least keep them from knocking on my door.

Mammatalk said...

You are a crack up!

MammaDucky said...

I wonder who I'd end up being if I just grease the ole' scantron with my handy-dandy chapstick?!

I strive to be Martha Stewarty, but usually end up pissed off and throwing the craft away.

Bar-b said...

too clevah (as my british MIL would say). I have to admit I only liked halloween b/c I got to wear slutty outfits and get away with it all but now, I like it cuz of the kids. ...teach them well and let them lead the way....

The Wife O Riley said...

D all the way!

But I believe that MC Hammer pants are not just for Halloween. They are a staple in my regular wardrobe. They're incredibly useful just in case I accidentally fall out of a plane or if I have to bust into the "Can't Touch This" dance at a PTA meeting.

KiKi said...

What the fickfuck is wrong with MC Hammer pants? Comfortable, stylin', colorful, E-Z access, and great for bloatation days. Halloween costume? Surely you jest! (and don't call me Shirley.)

hehehehe. Great post!

xo - Ki

Reddirt Woman said...

Hmmm Looks like folks are handing out goodies by the bagful... Must be the Halloween influence. Well deserved however. Love the quiz and the results.

Me... I turn off my lights. The candy is MINE, all mine...


w.v. is mogie...

Aubrey said...

That was a fun post. I learned so much about myself. I'll just say, I'm not about to share what! LOL

Congrats on all your pretty awards!

Theresa Cloyd said...

Anna you crack me up. I think I was inbetween a's and b's so what does that make me?!

The Farmers Wife said...

I just adore a good Halloween Carol. Something in way of "O'Hallo Night" or maybe a rendition of "Hark the demon spawn sing". I mean really who doesn't just love the classics?

jori-o said...

Hilarious, as usual! Thanks for a good belly laugh!

Kally said...

Great post! I am either going to another country or I am Martha freaking Stewart. I think I'll pick the country cuz I can't cook, sew or craft like Martha to save my life.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

wow. I bow to your mad quiz writing skillz.

Lisa (aka) French said...

Your so goofy~~~he he he love it! French;)

Alison said...

Since I answered mostly c, I need to move to another country. However, I DO like stealing the candy after the kids go to not this year.

Melodie said...

That was hysterical. I lost it when I got to the MC Hammer pants!

Rhea said...

Good lord, congrats on all those awards!!

I totally want a flaming poo catapult and M.C. Hammer pants. That's awesome!!

Mer said...

This is my favorite Halloweenie post evah.

I think I actually had the MC Hammer pants or an approximation thereof.

And I take the 5th on the catapult of flaming poo.

Blicky Kitty said...

You're a comedic genius. I hope however you don't decide to use it for eviiil. Me hee hoo hoo hahaha haaaaa!

Anonymous said...

That picture is CREEPY!

Kat Mortensen said...

Anna - I've got a Hallowe'en goodie for you over at my blog. See, now I'll have to change my score on your test.

All are welcome!


Lizzie said...

hiya, came on over from SITS. What a funny post, thanks for making me laugh, i found out i have a split personality disorder. A's and C's strange :)

Ed & Jeanne said...

Ha ha ha. I love the test. In true spirit of high school I answered all questions with 'C'...

Ann said...

All about the poop catapult.
I was all over the map and cannot be categorized, which is nothing new to my freakdom.

Anonymous said...

LMAO Brilliant. And I'm totally hoping you don't confer with my parole officer. He's cranky as well this time of year. Something about bullies taking all is candy one year! :)

Anonymous said...

Ha! That's awesome! I scored D's!

Anonymous said...

I'd probably fit into the B category....

nikkicrumpet said...

I'd say you're in RARE FORM...but it's not're always this funny! You truly are one of my favorite places to visit. I know I'll always walk away getting my blogminutes worth! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Anonymous said...

This is it, for a winner
Dance to this and you're gonna get thinner
Move, slide to your rump
Just for a minute let's all do the bump, bump, bump

You can't touch this
Look, man
You can't touch this

(second verse same as the first)

Can't touch this.....


Marinka said...

love this. I'm always a D! Except when I'm bra shopping.

jori-o said...

I know, I know, you just dealt with a bunch of awards...but I couldn't help myself, I've given you one more! Come over to my blog to bask in some love! ;)

Queenie Jeannie said...

Your avatar made me smile and then your posts made me laugh! Thank you!!


Dorkys Ramos said...

Hilarious quiz! No wonder you got so many awards. Congrats :)

Fifi Flowers said...

Switzerland sounds FAB! I sooooo do NOT care for Halloween... but I do like the excuse to HAVE to eat candy! lol
You are a very clever one!

Guileless 1 said...

I like a fun test anxiety!! My daughter and her boyfriend ended up as "the quarreling couple" for Halloween, and my 12 year old son dressed as an old lady....not sure WHATmake of that!! Really enjoy the blog!

hrvinet said...


This is good post. I will digg it in my account.

Let me introduce some 420 questions of aptitude test at

Job aptitude testI hope that it is useful for our community

Best regards

Anna Lefler said...

Yes! I resurrected this post in honor of Halloween.

And also in honor of laziness.

Long live Halloween (and laziness)!



Ann Imig said...

Is it wrong that I see you in each and every category?

MuseSwings said...

Bwahahahah! And I mean that in the most sincere way. Thanks for the reminder: I gotta get those little organza candy bags outta my MC hammer pants before I throw them in the laundry this year.

Cheryl said...

When did this go live? Why am I just now learning about this from twitter of all places? What's wrong with the world?

I'm pretty much a straight E'er or Eeyore if you prefer.

Elkhorn Inn & Theatre said...

Literally LOLed 6 times!
For me, The best thing about Halloween is that all the costumes wind up in Israel in the spring as Purim costumes!
(I REALLY want to go as Lady Gaga in her meat dress this year, and I even have the shoes for it & would happily bleach my hair, but we can't get steaks big enough at Sam's Club out here in rural WV...)

Robyn Wright of Robyn's Online World said...

Too funny! I am happy to report I am mostly a D. Now, where did I put those MC Hammer pants....

Alexandra said...

Oh, what a fun post to read.

Love it. Especially, "blood...fake, if that's all you've got."

Just that one phrase would've made my night...but the whole post? I'm on cloud 9.

Loved it and thank you!

Karla Telega said...

Good thing I was wearing my Depends when I read it!

When Pigs Fly said...

I have considered moving to Switzerland on more than one occasion. So sad that I'm that easy to read.

Bill Lisleman said...

love memory 3A - the best

Marie Jonsson Harrison said...

Love your blog its so Funny! Tried to send you an email but the gadget did not respond. Not sure if it is ok to send you my link here or not-but thought you may be interested in a Aussie Naive artist's blog (mostly funny stories that inspires the art)Here is a link 51. “WHEN LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE mmm.... and maybe a little bit of snake! New blog today 23.10.10 Hope it amuses you. Love Marie xx

HermanTurnip said...

'D' across for the board for me, doctor. Now, may I please have my knife back?

Oh, upon seeing that pic the very first thing that popped into my mind was Herbie Handcock's album Head Hunters (one of my favorite jazz albums ever).

Stela James said...

I am quite surprised with this post.
home business

David Miller said...

This post made my day, though I must say my end result would be a mixture of all those possible results, maybe a bit more =p

David Miller