Saturday, November 8, 2008

Paddy O'Furniture and the Little People

"Is this the loudest plaid vinyl you have?"

Dragged the family around Santa Monica last weekend
, looking at patio furniture. It was quite the cultural odyssey. It may have been the stores we happened to choose, but from our unscientific survey, outdoor furniture appears to fall into six categories:

1. Patio furniture for people who think they live in the Ozarks.
2. Patio furniture for people who think they live on the QE2.
3. Patio furniture for people who think they live on the set of “Dynasty.”
4. Patio furniture for people who think they live in th
e future.
5. Patio furniture for people who think they live at the Va
6. Patio furniture for people who do live in the parking lot of Dodger Stadium.

Is it me? Where’s the patio furniture for people whose lifestyles include collecting neither exotic cars nor foam fingers?

Then there’s the upkeep. Teak, for instance. Hey, if I start giving the patio furniture regular massages with fragrant oils, next thing I know my husband will be expecting the same treatment.

Of course, a good blasting with a high-pressure hose is quick and easy, but I find most men don’t really enjoy that.

The Screaming Me-Mes

Jed from the Blog Relations Department has just informed me that Quirky Loon over at Quirky Musings of a Loony Mama has tagged me with a meme requesting to know six quirky things about me. Not to be outquirked, we will dispatch this request with the following, all but one of which are true (nyuk, nyuk, nyuk):
  1. I appeared on the Jumobtron in the Astrodome.
  2. Secret fear: night-time alien robot attack.
  3. Former love interest: Mac Davis.
  4. I once had an eye-to-eye encounter with a wolf in Oakland.
  5. I "came on down" on "The Price Is Right."
  6. Secret dream occupation: bass player in a hair band.

And Finally...

A big thank you to LarryG over at Yesterday, Today, Forever for this tasty item:

Think only women value romanticism? Visit LarryG's introspective blog and think again.

I've also received some lovely awards that I've added to the right-hand column, along with links to the generous bloggy friends who bestowed them. Thanks so much!


nikkicrumpet said...

Well for heck sakes...did you get furniture or didn't you? And the Dodger stadium stuff is a good's gotta be heavy duty to hold those tailgating beer belly buffoons!

Anonymous said...

Dude...Wal-mart or Home Depot. Plus, it's kinda the wrong time of year to be shopping for patio furniture. Do you pick up your Xmas tree in June?

Ron Simpson, Jr. said...

I had a blast one day with a friend and his patio furniture .. he decided to get a table with umbrella and chairs for his deck at his rented house .. he called me because he only had a car and couldnt haul it .. it wouldnt fit in my SUV either, so we borrowed a truck from a friend of mine .. it ws a U-haul type truck, except he didnt have a small one, so he loaned me a 24' truck to carry one table and four chairs .. we picked up the furniture .. took it to the guys house .. and it was TOO BIG for his small deck .. the table fit but the chairs wouldnt .. I laughed until I cried .. gotta love patio furniture

Heather said...

Oh I really hope that the Price is Right one *is* true! I would've loved to have come on down, but only back when Bob Barker was there, and only if I could've (a) won and then (b) gotten to play Plinko. Oh yeah!

Our local grocery store chain, of all places, has the best patio furniture around. I don't usually think of the place where I get my milk and eggs as the number one stop for outdoor living furnishings, but there ya go. Our area Walmart selections skew more towards the "patio furniture for people who think they live in the 80s" which is a shame since they have such cheap prices.

You're only talking about patio furniture to rub in that you live in a place that is sunny and warm year round, right? To make those of us poor, unfortunate souls who dwell in the land where it is already freaking freezing and we're due for snow annnny second now (and have had some snow already, egads) that much more jealous, right? :)

Rhea said...

Congrats on your award.

I have no idea which part of those meme answers was not true.

I do not choose to upkeep my furniture. It needs to keep up with me.

Tracy Rambles On And On said...

I have been looking for patio furniture for two years now and that is exactly why I have given up for two years in a row.
Although, I am interested in knowing if you did get the furniture or not?

Congrats on the award!

Tug said...

I'm so not going to patio furniture. (When I grow up and what not.) Seems like way too much of a hassle. Who really spends that much time on their patio?

So were you really on the Price is Right?! Do do do do!

The Farmers Wife said...

Geeze, I agree about the goofy patio furniture! We looked for a long time before we finally found ours. Of all places, Sams. It was a very cool tiled set that was square with tall chairs, and 8 of them at that. PERFECT! I wish you lots of luck with finding some that fit the bill.

Meaghan said...

Stopping by to say hi and invite you to my Coffee Giveaway:

Queenie Jeannie said...

Anna honey? Back away from those Doritos!!!!!!!!!

This is that intervention you asked for, lol!!

So come on over Miss Popularity and register for my cookbook giveaway! Healthier and BETTER TASTING than the junk stuff - honest!


KiKi said...

You're my hero. The Price is Right? My grandpa and I used to watch The Price is Right together right before his "story" -- "As The World Turns" -- and right after our pancake eating contest and/or the game show with the Whammy. But I digress.... xo - Ki

Swirl Girl said...

Mac Davis? seriously

"Baby, baby don't get hooked on me-'c"uz I'll just use you then I'll set you free. So baby, baby dont' get hooked on meeeeee"

okay, I can see why now.

OneZenMom said...

What, over-turned buckets and old tractor tires too good for ya? Snob.

Melodie said...

I tend to like the patio furniture they have at Tar-jay.

Lula! said...

Oh my stars. Best. Post. Ever.

I have never laughed as hard, nor realized the absolute TRUTH about your patio furniture assessment until today. You win!

Sue said...

Oh my goodness....You were on the Price is Right....was it the Bob Barker version....I don't like the new guy...

Theresa Cloyd said...

My thing with the patio furniture is why does it have to be so outrageously overpriced. Who would seriously pay $500.00+ for a wicker table and chairs!

My First Kitchen said...

Just gonna put it out there. You're easily in the top five of people who make me laugh outloud. And I'm not an audible laugher. I usually smile and say, "That's really funny." Not you. Noise. In public places. When I'm alone. And worth every ounce of embarassment. And I have no idea how to spell embarrassment.

LarryG said...

this really makes me want to give you the finger, i mean the uhhh foam finger :)
no pressure washer for me!
hilarious stuff thanks for sharing.

Tessa said...

Forget the patio furniture. Go native, ya'know? Hang out in hammocks.

Unknown said...

I totally agree about the furniture! I got mine at Wal Mart. Just a plain glass table and webbed chairs. It's lasted 10 years! This coming summer I'm going to give it a paint job, and that's it. Got my umbrella at the grocery store for $12.00!

Briya said...

C'mon c'mon.... which one is the one that ISN'T yours?

(hello hello.... meet your new swapmate :))

Blicky Kitty said...

I want all my patio furniture to look like I live in the future, but I require that it actually comes from the future. That way you know it will still be stylish in ten years and not the home decorating equivalent of neon socks. Congrats on your award!

Vivian Mahoney said...

I want grown-up patio furniture. I still have the college thing going on. Sigh.

Thanks for a laugh.

Michelle said...

The problem is that you are looking at all the patio furniture that the normal people didn't want to by this past summer. :)

Lynda said...

It's the owners of foam fingers and their criteria for patio furniture that has me in stitches. Oh, and I miss the Jumbotron and the "stampede" at the Astrodome ;-)

The Wife O Riley said...

You won my Pay it Foward prize. Come on ove and claim it.

(I'm sure we can do a mustache theme for you)

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

So what colors of loud plaid vinyl did you finally settle on?

- Margaret

horatio salt said...

so what you need to do is get yourself a new husband made out of teak. you get to do the oil rubdowns, the hose offs, and when you have a boyfriend over, you just fold up your husband and stow him on the wall in the garage. you didn't hear this from me, girl, but pinocchio is single again and ready to get back into the dating scene. i have his cell number if you have an open mind and a jumbo bottle of tung 'n teak oil.