Monday, September 15, 2008

And Now, For Something Completely Random

File Under: Tragically Misdirected Marketing

Williams-Sonoma keeps emailing me little instructional cooking videos, like optimistic missionaries slipping yet another Bible through Charlie Manson's cell bars and thinking, This will be the one that does the trick. I finally became aware this morning that I am the target of a strategic intervention effort to put this wretched soul on the righteous path toward pureeing soups with an immersion blender.

But hear me, Chuck Williams: I will not be turned. I am a lifer. I sit here with my microwaved bowl of canned chili and I think we both know that I'm going to write my name across it with squeeze cheese.

I forever lost my culinary faith after the Tuna Noodle Casserole Incident of 1997 and, no, I don't want to talk about it. And to those who say that I need only rely on the benevolent, higher kitchen power that is available to each and every one of us I say this:

Dude, you didn't taste it.

File Under: Meteoric Rise To Mediocrity

Not to sound like I have a case of the big-heads, but the old blog here has scorched its way up through the Technorati rankings to a mind-blowing (are you ready for this?) 1,941,060. Yesss. I feel the searing heat of your envy through my monitor. I warm the soles of my feet with it.

Here's the crazy part: just a couple of weeks ago, my ranking was somewhere north of 4 million. So...I guess going from one page view a day to two (note to self: thank intern's mother for reading my blog) is considered a significant uptick.

That's math for you.

[I was looking for a cool photo to slide in here, so I went to a stock photo site and put the word "rank" in the search engine. It gave me the above photo entitled "Man Inspecting Cheese." So I'm thinking either my improved Technorati ranking means I'm a big cheese, or this cheese is so old that it smells rank.]

File Under: Tax-Deductible Blog Improvements

Pardon our dust, but LJKGW is now sporting a snappy new masthead which was just built and installed over the weekend. (Thanks for noticing.) We'd love to hear what you think of it (unless you're the guy who took the "totally authentic" UFO picture that the slackers in research boosted off the Internet, in which case the masthead was already up when we got here and we know nothing about it).


Beth Kephart said...

Having just read this and laughed out loud several times, I must ask — to heck with mojitos — about Last Comic Standing.....

Anonymous said...

I just fell onto your blog through HUMORBLOGGERS.COM. But don't worry. I might not bounce when I fall,but I heal quickly.

I have an emersion blender. It makes great soap bubbles and I always accompany it with motor boat sounds.

Florinda said...

Noticed the new masthead - I like it!

Technorati ranking is a giant mystery that even Nobel Prize-winning mathematicians can't explain (not so we'd understand it, anyway). Before you know it, you'll be in the top 750,000 :-)!

PJ Hoover said...

I'm the one who wanted to visit Area 51 this summer, so I love the header/logo. It's fantastic, as is this whole post!
And the cheese photo - too great!

Karen said...

LOOOOVE the new masthead. The chili cheese photo wasn't bad either! Now you need to share your recipe for turkey dogs. It went something like this, right? Pull package of turkey dogs out fridge. Pull dog out of package. Eat. (No, not heat and eat--just eat). Or was that only when you were pregnant?

Well, I liked the recipe, anyway.

Anna Lefler said...

I can't believe you outed me for eating cold turkey franks. The pregnancy was a great cover story, but I do still eat them that way even though I am (blessedly) un-pregnant.

Oh, great. Now I'm hungry.

Jessica Gottlieb said...

Rank: 3,324,847

But my cheese isn't canned... and for some strange reason I'm proud of that.

Bruce said...

lol I laughed multiple times at this post. If you continue at this rate, you are sure to find yourself on top.